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People who are about to tell you something then say "never mind" are the reason why I sometimes admire serial killers
My mother always told me to never quit something I`m good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i`m good at being drunk!
If running on a treadmill was the only way to recharge our phones we would be the healthiest mofos on the planet.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
I hate sharing popcorn with someone at the cinema and our fingers touch. Especially if I don`t know them, and they don`t know we`re sharing.
No YouP*rn… I do not want to play poker, I’m at work for crying out loud.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we`re hopeful.
I have a kid in Africa I inoculate, feed, clothe and send to school for only $1 day. It cost a lot to send him over there though.
There`s this cool trick I do where I post whatever the f*ck I want becasue this is my account, not yours.
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine
Don`t feel bad, alot of people don`t have talent either
The guy who named the umbrella meant to call it a brella but he hesitated.
Helping my kid study for her geology exam, and apparently `hard` `classic` and `punk` are not the 3 different types of rock.
I was on the treadmill for 20 minutes this morning. Tomorrow I might even turn it on, but let’s not rush into things.