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What does Miley Cyrus have for dinner on Christmas? Twerky :`)
Got my friend a Starbucks gift card. 2 weeks later I get a call. They said hey Dean, u put any money on this Starbucks gift card. I said no it´s a gift card. That´s the beauty of it u can put as much money on it as u want.
is tring to fool people into thinking I have a social life by going offline from Facebook for a few hours.
HA! If you think I`M crazy you should meet ME!
One thing I`ve learned about women is they prefer that I don`t speak
Marriage counselling: Because sometimes your wife needs to hear from a professional that she`s being a bitch.
Can’t wait till I’m old and I can play the ‘fall asleep’ card in awkward situations.
Life is like a p@nis. Simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely. Then women make it hard
It`s not my official job but basically all I do is piss people off.
Sorry, I can`t delete any of my voicemails cause then people would be able to leave me a new one
My bed is half full - Lonely optimist.
Thank God for Facebook otherwise we would never know what fireworks look like.
a lady at the grocery store asked me, "How do I know you?"...to which I replied, "You must watch a lot of porn".
Girls are supposed to dance. That`s why god gave them parts that jiggle.
my husband of 10 years still goes mad when I use his toothbrush, if anyone knows a better way to get dog poo off shoes, im all ears