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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
Marriage (Possible side effects may include sadness, anger, sudden drop in finances, depression, sexual abstinence, and sobriety)
FYI fellas: if you wake up with some chick and you can`t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They`ll write her name on the cup for ya!!!
You look over-medicated. What`s your doctor`s name?
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself." ~5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Empty your medicine cabinet and put another mirror in there. Scares the hell out of snooping house guests.
Everyone knows spray tans and Tang come from the same stem cells as Cheetos, so why does Wikipedia keep deleting my edits?
A man who scratches his butt should not bite fingernails!
I think my new Stress Management plan is going to be alcoholism.
I finally finished my 4,000 piece jigsaw puzzle. It reads- " Get a life you sad F**k "
My girlfriend isn`t much of a wrestler but you should see her box!!
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people know where my tolerance level is at.
Carrots may be good for your eyes, but alcohol will double your vision.