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Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.
Ladys have it easy, if they ever do start to loose an argument they can just start playing with their boobs
Was born with a rare condition called "Amazing"
Women can brutally and methodically destroy your life. But they let you see their tits along the way so it`s totally cool.
My Bills are so big that I have to call them William now.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”. Problem solved.
Remember, Christmas is over if you sit on a strangers lap now and ask for stuff it`s because you`re a whore.
If I’ve learned anything in my twenty-two years on this earth, it’s that it’s okay to lie about your age.
Please, if I ever offend you, it’s because I meant to.
I`m not homophobic, I love my house!
Screaming out "BOOM PREGNANT!" during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.
Half of my day is just me screaming profanities at an electronic device.
If opportunity doesn`t knock, build a door.
I would know if I was insane, the voices would tell me.