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My car is so old the high beam switch is on the floor...
People who are about to tell you something then say "never mind" are the reason why I sometimes admire serial killers
My resolution last year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way.
I’m the kind of girl that would eat Doritos on her wedding day & accidentally wipe her hands on her dress.
the difference between people and celebreties ...... celebreties don`t have a routine
Having a bit of a lazy day, sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online ... My boss doesn`t look amused
Sad Fact- Boobie traps seldom involve boobies.
I saw a sign at a cafe that said, "shoes must be worn." I was upset, because my shoes were brand new.
People who walk in front of the theatre screen while you`re watching a pirated movie on your computer are so rude.
Every-time I walk over a sewer grate I look down into it hoping to catch a glimpse of a Ninja Turtle
There’s a reason why “sober” and “so bored” sound almost exactly the same.
Family vacations: When you pay a lot of money to yell at your kids in exotic destinations, preferably on a balcony with an ocean view.
thinks it would be great if we really burped bubbles when we were drunk .. just like in cartoons.
My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.