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Talking louder does not make you any less wrong.
Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve.
My friend on Facebook "Can`t believe its Monday again already"... if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
I`m for driverless cars, but honestly, having to drive is the only thing standing in the way of me being a complete drunk piece of sh!t 24/7
If you`re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Turning on your lights and siren after you lose a drag race is just poor sportsmanship.
I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I`m fat and can`t run for more than 2 minutes.
It’s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
I laughed more at the Broncos offense then I did at the commercials.
I`ve got a Tootsie Pop and seven hours until the aviary notices their Spotted Owl is missing. Let`s do this!
A homeless man told me he hadn`t had a bite in weeks, so I bit him.
Single Awareness Day ..... it`s a S.A.D. day
All my dance moves look like i`m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
*Opens box of cereal* We’ve updated our Privacy Policy
Please be patient...I`m fcuking things up as fast as I can.