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Whats the difference between a phone number & an opinion? People ask for your phone number.
My dad said if I don`t get of facebook in 3 seconds he would jab my face into the keyboahajsirksjapquebxm
I`m horrible with women. Probably because I only know like 3 shades of gray.
Doing word problems as a kid has helped me in adulthood. "Dan doesn`t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?"
Summer is real cool until every f*ckin type of insect comes out of the 8th circle of hell.
My wife said I can definitely have a man cave, if that`s what I want to start calling the hall closet.
The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you
You tell me I`m crazy, the voices tell me I`m not. 4 against 1, so........
Be nice to nerds. You`ll probably be working for them one day
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you`re innocent".
Fitness? More like fitness whole cheesecake in my mouth.
Why do they leave folding chairs so close to the wrestling ring? Shouldn’t the maintenance staff have learned their lesson by now?
If I`m guilty of anything it`s loving you too much. Oh and indecent exposure...I suppose trespassing too.
You seem to be very educated on the things you make up.
Went by the bank today and the female teller was flirting with me which was weird considering she saw my account balance.