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I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
My neighbors don`t appreciate it when I skip along the property line, singing "This Land is My Land."
I said "sad face emoji" instead of actually frowning today if you want to know how out of touch with reality I am.
Don`t hide your feelings. Hide the evidence.
I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me Limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking?
If heat makes things expand, then I don`t have a weight problem ... I am just Hot!
With so many things coming back in style, I can`t wait until morals and intelligence become a trend again.
I just broke a light bulb. Damn, is that 7 years of bad ideas.
I thought my life would include more impromptu sing-alongs.
Sometimes, I think I`m a genius. Then I realize I`ve already seen this episode of Jeopardy.
What if Spider Man has to stop a crime in the countryside
People hate facing the truth. Luckily the truth doesn`t give a sh*t.
I`m smiling ... You should be scared.
There`s a thin line between "I should write a status about that" and "I should talk to my therapist about that"....
Shaving your head is the "You can`t fire me because i quit" approach to male pattern baldness.