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I love you with all my thighs. I would say my heart, but my thighs are much bigger.
When I want your opinion, I’ll give it a funny voice.
I`m changing my voicemail greeting to: Please hang up and text me, thanks. ;)
I told the monster in my closet that coming out of there would make him gay. Ha!!,,That solves that problem.
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn`t for any religious reasons. They couldn`t find three wise men and a virgin.
A night of insomnia is usually followed by a morning of browser history clearing
Today is National I Don`t Feel Like Doing Sh!t Day. Celebrate accordingly.
Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?
I`m getting sick of these porn sites listing my videos as "amateur".
Inviting a friend to play Candy Crush Saga is like hosting an intervention and providing the crack.
I just keep telling myself you guys don`t have sex either.
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night… So I said I had a headache.
Today I caught myself smiling ... I was thinking of you ... Don´t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
When a male octopus finds a mate, he rips off his happy place and throws it at the female octopus so she can inseminate herself. Then the male grows a new happy place. If that isn`t the most epic way to tell someone to go $*&# themselves, I don`t know what is!
The point is... Is Imma hug you like a panda nd you`re gunna like it.!(: