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Kids may be a gift, but I like playing with the box it came in.
I`ve taken my kids all over the country, but their favorite place to be is still "in the way."
Went to the virgin islands, now they are just the islands.
Never trust anyone who smiles this early in the morning.
Sometimes I like to hold the door for people who are far away so they feel obligated to run just a little. ;)
I got in the shower with my slippers still on this morning. Is this the start of dementia or the continuum of stupidity I wonder?
Sometimes, when people are talking to me, I daydream about what they would do if I suddenly punched them in the face.
My fridge is so full of beer ... I`m going to have to drink my way back to the food or starve.
bitches want what they cant have..or thats what I keep telling myself
My wife is a sex object. Every time I want to have sex, she’ll object.
Unless life also gives you sugar and water, your lemonade`s gonna suck!
I`ve just finished doing my hair, want to come over and mess it all up?
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t
When parents on Facebook post about how they can`t believe their kid is going into whatever grade, write "No way! I thought for sure he`d be held back!"
The nice thing about living in the southern states is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense here.