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All I`m saying is if guys were meant to make them, they`d be call sandWIZARDS.
I want rich people problems. Like where to park my yacht.
Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space
I try to live my life by the saying: “You scratch my back and I’ll let you know when to stop.”
It must be annoying for nudists when they have to clean their glasses
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
My wife and I decided not to have children. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
I get very nervous out when my Subway sandwich moves up the crowded assembly line without me.
If anyone has ever told you that you snore, just know that person has very carefully weighed the pros and cons of letting you live.
When your wife`s in labour, never sneak a look at the business end; it`s like watching your favourite pub burn down.
Frankly auto correct,I`m getting tired of your shirt.
Life Tip: Get a birthday card with anything you are embarrassed to buy.
If I`ve learned anything from the Kardashians it`s that I shouldn`t let my complete lack of talent hold me back.
And Jesus said, those footprints on the beach where two sets become one, that`s where I unfollowed you.
Being alive is so expensive.