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This time change has me all messed up. Driving with my hands at 11 and 3 is hard
I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me `Will you be putting it up yourself?` I told him, `No, you sicko, it`s going in the living room!`
Just bought a Ken doll. I don`t know what everyone`s talking about, you can`t read books on this thing.
Royal baby was born at 8 pounds. Thats like 12 dollars.
The ultimate home security system is having crappy stuff.
My favorite thing about winter...waking up from hibernation!
You only live once is the most reassuring thing I`ve ever heard.
Just printed out 50 copies of today`s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I`m just not in the mood for small talk.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now Googling how to extract a fork from bone without causing more damage.
To be clever can be difficult without caffiene.
thjeo oskl asopa joa sajksla wioj apska shul bhcgy ....Yes I just wasted your time ;)
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
"Don`t let a hot date turn into a due date."--my father`s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my lovers hair. It`s a nice way to let them know my love and also that we`re out of napkins.