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People of planet Earth, thank your gods that I`m not in charge of the red button.
PRO TIP: You can use crunchy food to block out conversations of people you hate.
There are so many scams on the Internet now these days, but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them.
Step One: Always have a solid alibi.
My wife and I decided not to have children. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
If you`re not procrastinating just a little, you`re not doing Saturday right.
There are times, when I actually am hungry like the wolf. But thanks to Duran Duran I can`t tell anyone without sound like a complete f*cking idiot
Not having any friends means I`m always the pretty one.
I`m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out. We are going to watch tv.
I`ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
The true definition of safe sex is having a padded headboard.
My phone dies faster than a black man in a horror film.
For the record, you`ll need a turntable needle.
No one understands you better than some crazy weirdos on the internet.
Arguing in sign language must be a workout.