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Those of you who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” don’t really get how the whole “dead” thing works, do you?
Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.
If people are what they eat, some people must eat a lot of stupid.
List of the most populated places in the world - 1. China 2. India 3. Friend Zone 4. United States 5. Indonesia
I decided I`m going to be poor... Its Cheaper :)
Revenge is not in my plans. You`ll f*ck yourself on your own.
Having kids is like being at a press conference: "No, you can`t put the dog in the washer - next question." "No, you can`t really fly -next"
Sometimes I like to take a roll of duct tape and use it to cover up all the Mondays on my desk calendar.
Anyone notice the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
*Sees my name in a math textbook* class: *stares at me* me: "yeah b!tches I bought 60 watermelons"
Your secrets are safe with me because I zone out everytime you speak.
CONGRATULATIONS! You are the 13th woman he`s called "beautiful" on Facebook today.
I like going into McDonald`s and ordering an Egg McMuffin and a McChicken, just to see which one comes first.
If they were really trying to prepare high school kids for “real life” they would offer a class called “working with a$$holes”
Back in my day we had 9 planets.