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Running on two hours of sleep I’m either way too happy or violently homicidal.
I wish my mind had a delete button.
FITNESS TIP: Set a regular gym schedule that`s easy to keep up with. For example, I work out once every 4 years after I vote for president.
I know that no means no, but that`s about the extent of my Spanish.
“I’ll be speaking with my lawyer” is the adult version of saying “I`m telling mom”
2 can keep a secret if one of them is dead...
Today is National Take Your Flask To Work Day. I just made it up. Tell the others.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger. So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex`s car.
Why is it when people ask you "what three things would you bring with you on a deserted island?" , no one ever replies, "A BOAT"
I think I`m the drunkest person at this bed bath and beyond.
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have
I don’t need your attitude. The voices in my head are enough
If you were a cookie, you’d be a whoreo.
It’s funny how 1 text, 1 song, 1 mistake, 1 lie, 1 truth, and 1 person could change your mood in 1 second.
Thought I was having deja-vu. But it turns out, I do the exact same things every day.