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Kiss me I`m Irish, put a little tongue in it, I`m French too
Showing cleavage doesn’t fix your face.
I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I`m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Do you ever just look at a girl and instantly know she posts her daily horoscope on Facebook and quotes Marilyn Monroe?
If you ask me, every Friday is a Good Friday.
Ahhhh, bad credit…the best identity theft protection.
Yesterday was international ninja day and I didn`t even know. Well played ninja day, well played.
Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you`re interrupting!
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen - sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
It`s the little things in life that matter the most... for instance the refrigerator light, helping you to see that last beer way in the back!
Its ironic how the colors Red, White and Blue represent freedom... until they are flashing behind your back.
It’s hard to tell if I’m dealing really well with life these days or if I just don’t give a sh!t.
I really worried about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.