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And for my next magic trick, I`ll walk down a street and turn into a bar.
I don`t try to annoy people; its just a gift.
Watching a movie with the girlfriend tonight. Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?
The object of golf.... is to play the least amount of golf.
PRO TIP: You can use crunchy food to block out conversations of people you hate.
Things I hate about work: 1. Waking up 2. Humans 3. Working
If no one from the future comes back to stop you, is it really that bad of an idea?
Do you ever get the feeling that you’re being watched? Because if it’s bothering you, I’ll stop.
Never forget that we live in a world in which it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract.
I want to delete a bunch statuses, so if you guys could just message me your passwords that`d be great.
I want to meet the guy at Hewlett Packard who decides how many minutes of strange noises their printers make before printing 1 page.
What did the crop say to the farmer? Stop picking on me
Tonight I’m trying to get to that happy place right between don’t know my own name and head in the toilet.
My girlfriend is about to do this ice water bucket challenge. She don`t know yet though she`s still in bed
My Wife asked, "Would you like a romantic interlude?" I said, "Does a bear crap in the woods?". Wish I`d just said `Yes`, she`s been on Google ever since.