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Know why a room full of married people looks so empty? There’s not a Single person in it…
For every bad idea you have, I’m always there to tell you…I’m in.
My whole life consists of wondering whether or not to make the sarcastic comment.
I`m not really much of a plumber, but I have laid some pipe before.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
When I`m bored, I dress up as Waldo, walk up to strangers (in a crowded airport), and say "psssst... if ANYBODY asks......YOU ain`t seen me... capiche?"
I dreamt I was you..I hated myself. Luckily I woke up..woah that was close.
Feeling stressed out? Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever`s bugging you.
It`s time to wave goodbye to winter. Guess what finger I`ll be using?
He who laughs last didn´t get it.
Its sad that we live in a world that puts words into the dictionary if enough stupid people use it.
For men who think.."A women`s place is in the kitchen," Just remember, that`s where the Knives are kept!
My favorite beer is the 15th one.
Laughing is the best medicine. But if you’re laughing for no reason, you need medicine.
A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought, `What would Jesus do?`, so I turned it into wine ... Well, I bought wine.