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If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
If there`s one thing that I`ve learned it`s, that I should have learned way more than one thing.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel. OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel. REALIST: A train. TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
It`s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
Ways to die: Steal my food.
Its amazing how much more tolerable thanksgiving with the family becomes after the 5th cocktail…
Facebook- to help future generations discover if there`s ever been any mental illness in the family.
I bet there`s a rapper trying to figure out a way to replace his teeth with LED lights
It`s impossible to get a parking ticket if you don`t have windshield wipers.
Yet another advantage of being single. All I bring to Thanksgiving is empty Tupperware...
Wait, carjacking doesn`t mean masturbating in my vehicle? Then no, I didn`t get arrested for carjacking.
"Woo, I`m on a roll today, baby!" -butter
The Drug Store cashier asked me how im doing as I put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. "Not great man, I`ve got diarrhea" I told him.