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I love running my fingers through my girlfriend`s hair. It`s also a great way to let her know we`re out of napkins.
The guy below me obviously doesn`t know that R2-D2 is in movies, not television
"No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk
My New Year`s resolution is to stop pointing my car alarm remote at my apartment front door expecting to unlock it
How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention?
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn`t mean to eat it. I don`t want to be a bug.
If you attached a bunch of watches together to make a belt it would be a waist of time.
I hate when I walk into the kitchen for food and only find ingredients.
I`m not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn`t looking,, I can turn water into Sprite.
I haven`t talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn`t want to interrupt her.
If I were to quit my job today and become a psychic, I would advertise with a sign that reads, “Voted best psychic of 2016!"
All these women on the 48 dating sites I`ve joined, seem so f*cking sad and desperate.
Lazy Rule: If you spill water, It will eventually dry.
"LSD causes users to lose weight" Obviously. You can`t eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge.
There should be a mercy rule for how many pics a girl can upload from her vacation.