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Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous...Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems.
You should be able to park in an “expecting mother” parking space if you’re waiting for your mom.
My doctor asked me if I drink to excess. I told him I would drink to anything.
It`s crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball... But won`t keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry
If you drink enough tonight, you won`t have to lie when you call in sick tomorrow.
I know it`s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you`re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. "You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic"
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Saw a Mime doing his gig. I reached into my purse and pretended to throw money in his hat.
Just bought an exercise bike today because my treadmill works fine for laying my pants on, but it won`t accommodate hanging shirts on hangers.
No thanks, Inspirational guy, but I am only on Facebook for the jokes and the meltdowns.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
I can either be on time or wearing pants. Pick one.
You can not force anyone to love you ... The best you can do is stalk them and hope they give in :)