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If you just got invited to do something on New Year`s Eve, it means someone else cancelled.
You know you`re getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you.
I don’t know why Tampax and Hershey have not joined forces yet. Taping a pack of Reese’s to a box of tampons could literally save lives.
I know you seen me continuously push the "close doors" button while you ran to the elevator. Now it`s just awkward
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What`s on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two.
I got kicked out of the public swimming pool today. Apparently the `Breast Stroke` wasn`t what I thought it was.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Taking my wife to a wife swapping party tonight… Hoping to get a PS4 in return.
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, "It`s not working. I cant take it anymore, I`m going to moms" I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold, WTF is she talking about?
My To-Do list for today is just a bunch of things I wanna eat.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a sexy beast.
Have you noticed that the "lol" symbol looks like a drowning guy? i bet hes not laughing out loud
What idiot called it the "Happy Birthday" song instead of New Age music
Handy tip for new parents : Wake up your baby by gently resting your head on a pillow.