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You just don`t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
I need to find a way to be asleep but still get all my work done.
You never know a person until you walk in their shoes... or until you check their browser history.
You hate me? I didn’t even know you existed.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
"Karate" is an old Japanese word that means, "My kid can`t hit a baseball."
Why would anybody put 99 bottles of beer up on a wall in the first place?
New Years - the only day where its socially acceptable to drink this early.
The closest I`ve come to being an athlete is using Adobe Acrobat.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Don’t get me started. I don’t come with brakes.
When I see someone yawn, I yawn. I wish it was the same with exercising....
Just saw the previews for the movie Taken 3, you would think by now he would`ve gave his daughter self-defense and gun lessons?
"I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life.