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My girlfriend is half my size but takes up three quarters of the bed. If my math is correct, she’s a b!tch
Nothing like responsibility to ruin a perfectly good day.
President Obama says his daughters need minimum wage jobs to "learn what it means to work." May I suggest the same for members of Congress?
I always hate when I miss out on wear your pajamas to Wal-Mart night.
I am one of those people who presses every button in the elevator when I`m getting out =]
Imagine how much faster Olympic sprinters could run if they saw their wives going through their phones at the finish line
Its amazing how much more tolerable thanksgiving with the family becomes after the 5th cocktail…
Wait,,,, What does it mean when my bride uses air quotes during the vows???
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
A sheep spends it`s entire life fearing the wolf only to be eaten by the Shepherd.
Congratulations on becoming a homeowner! From now on, every noise you hear will cost you money.
Things ain`t nobody got time for: That
There’s a guy whose whole job is to find new places to hide the “close this ad” button.
I`ve been around the block a few times.....but only because I was too drunk to find my house.
Wonders why there´s an ice cream truck for kids but not a frozen Margaurita truck for adults?