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I have to admit my heart broke a little when I heard the lady at Starbucks call the guy in line behind me "sweetie" too.
The bible says you can`t buy your way into heaven but there isn`t a church in the country that won`t encourage you to try.
Stretch marks? You mean sick a$$ lightning tattoos.
It`s crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball... But won`t keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry
I am not bossy, I just know how to do things the right way.
Just bought myself a mistletoe belt buckle. Wish me luck.
Karma’s only a bitch if you are.
If I had a dollar for everytime I was distracted, look squirrel!
As I slid my finger slowly down her G string, I thought to myself "this is a nice guitar"
People must stop questioning my sanity, it wont answer them.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
AT this stage in my life an ALL NIGHTER JUST means I didn`t have to get up and pee....
A part of me wants to go on a diet and eat healthy. Sadly that part of me is a liar.
I finished your laundry, the ashes are in the fireplace.
Procrastination............I`ll make a joke about it later.