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April 1st is the absolute worst day to have a heart attack.
I woke up this morning and my "check liver" light was on.
Men are like cheap dishes - easily broken & completely replaceable!
Crap, my Internet has been down for 4 days ...Probably because my neighbors moved 4 days ago.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Hold that pose. My camera is ringing.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with pretty daughters do.
Wake up, kids! Bees can`t even read, much less spell. IT`S A SCAM!
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
One day I shall rule the World! Until then, I am going to bed. Good Night :D
I need to adjust the brightness settings for my future.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
I`ve accidentally swallowed a load of scrabble pieces.........My next poop could spell trouble.
The only thing instant glue sticks to instantly is fingers.