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I’m not drunk, I’m just exhausted from drinking all night.
Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of stuff going on?
Was sitting, doing nothing. Then I realized I could be sitting and doing nothing on Facebook. So here I am.
Facial recognition software can pick out a person in a crowd, but this stupid vending machine at work can`t recognize my dollar bill with a bent corner...
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Tonight`s good mood is sponsored by ... Beer!!
Video games don`t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do.
The best occupation to work from home as: Bartender.
Turning on your lights and siren after you lose a drag race is just poor sportsmanship.
I just wanted to say thank you to all the people that have given me a reason to drink this Friday night.
If cockroaches can survive atomic bombs and chemical warfare, what the f*ck is in a can of Raid?
I`m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it`s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I`m still better than you.
My life may be a mess but at least I didn`t make a harlem shake video.
I live like I type, fast and with lots of mistakes!
Shout out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money.