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Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.
Hey NSA, we all know you`re there now. So click the approve on my Candy Crush ticket request.
I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
If one of Santa`s helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an "elfie"?
It’s interesting how the ads on Youtube never have trouble buffering
I made a salad with red wine vinaigrette only I left out the vinegar and the oil and ok it`s just lettuce with wine all over it. Anyhoo, I`m drunk.
Hey,,,, I said I`d be there in 10 minutes... Quit calling me every half hour.
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she`s going to get me something.
Is Nudeism a religion?
I hav 10 fingers bt i usd only.. the thumb to write this...!
I`ll vacuum over something a hundred times before I pick it up and place it back down and try again.
I only hate the people in front of me while checking out at the store. Everyone behind me is cool.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were texting all night with a calculator.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like `responsibility`