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A sure fire way to lose an afternoon, is to help a friend out when he says "come on it will only take a half hour to fix"
Saying "I`m offended" is basically telling the world you can`t control your own emotions so everyone else should do it for you.
When I was a kid, I used to sing, `A, B, C,D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, ELEMENO, P`
If I was a Jedi there is a 100% chance that I would use the Force inappropriately.
I`m pretty sure my laundry breeds while I sleep.
Why is it that when my wife refers to her friends as "girlfriends" its normal but when i call my male friends "boyfriends" i lose my friends?
Don`t bother trying to figure me out...not even the little voices in my head understand me...it`s pointless.
My wife keeps leaving magazines lying around with the jewelry ads circled. I got the hint. For Valentine`s Day she’s getting a magazine rack
Who ever said, "The customer is always right", clearly never worked with the public a day in their life.
Money may not buy happiness but it can certainly improve the quality of your misery
Every novel is a mystery, if you never finish it.
People hate facing the truth. Luckily the truth doesn`t give a sh*t.
"Wow! That butterfly`s gonna be HUGE!" - First person to find a mummy
i didn`t know i had a facebook account until now
I just made my first snow angel!! ... Ok fine.. I got bored, got drunk and then passed out in the snow, whatever!