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At the end of the day, it`s 11:59pm.
Days are short in December but spending them with family really stretches them out.
Accidentally took a women`s multi vitamin & I`ve been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.
I´m on a whisky diet. I´ve lost three days already!
When a man talks dirty to a woman it`s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man it`s $3.95 per minute.
Smile, it´s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
If you`re having second thoughts, you`re 2 ahead of most people.
My wife’s cooking brings a whole new meaning to.. eat sh!t and die.
Whoever left me in charge of my own destiny has a lot of explaining to do.
As a matter of fact, the whole world does revolve around me.
You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom.
When the machines rise up against the humans, just pray to your God that you`re nowhere near a dildo factory.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people.
Sleep is just a symptom of caffeine deprivation.
HR says I`m not allowed to scream "OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP" when I walk through the front door at work anymore :(