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I drank an energy drink so if anyone needs help packing, pushing your car to a gas station or shaking the leaves off a tree
I like you as a friend. Well, more like as a friend of a friend.
So what if I`m single now ... I mean it can`t be that hard to boil toast, can it?
You can dress for success or undress for it. It depends on what type of work you want.
A lot of attractive people are like nice cars with the check engine light on.
$100 for a dozen red what?! That`s a lot of money for a plant you can’t smoke.
Do good masochists go to heaven, or hell?
I HATE it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. ..For the FIFTH time, I do not want to go to your cat`s birthday party. Damn it! ..My dog is getting married
They say a dog park is a great place to pick up girls. I don`t have a dog so I am walking around with a bag of poop so I won`t look weird.
All my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Today I saw something that reminded me of you. But don`t worry, I flushed and everything went back to normal.
I`m pretty sure the phrase "sleep tight" originated in prison...
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Some people should come with subtitles.
I liked Hoarders much better when it was called Sanford & Son.