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Birthdays back then: Wow! Look at all these presents!. Birthdays now : Wow damn look at all these notifications!.
Attention!! Today I am traveling back in time to right some wrongs in this world. You will know I succeeded if the Germans lost WW2 and that Thursday comes before Wednesday.
I`m terribly sorry but I have decided not to grow up and act my age after all. So there.
A married man has 2 options in an argument...he can be right or he can be happy
Someone`s gotta break it to people under 25 that cameras can also point away from themselves.
You`re exceeding the limits of my medication. Please go away.
Nobody on television curses more than the Roadrunner.
Even though I`m only 29, I know I`m going to die a bitter, lonely, miserable old man ... I`m married.
I`m old enough to remember being the tv remote.
When life throws you curveballs, swing at those motherf*ckers like Stevie Wonder with a lightsaber.
Its so hot I used my blow dryer as a cooling fan!
once again Tequila is the Delete History button of my brain.
I put the whiskey in another room ... Exercise regimen established.
Why do people at home on TV have their pants on?
So apparently RSVP-ing to a wedding invite with "Maybe next time" wasn`t the best response. Who knew?