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A sure fire way to lose an afternoon, is to help a friend out when he says "come on it will only take a half hour to fix"
I saw that! - Karma
Lazy Rule 47: If you spill water, it will eventually dry.
I hope I die alone. I mean, you`d have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.
That moment when you run into a spider web and suddenly become a karate master.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Why do people ask "What were you thinking?" Obviouly, I thought I was going to get away with it!
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
It was so cold today the local flasher was caught "describing" himself to women.
I`m sorry, we can`t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Like if you really googled to see if that kid really died from masturbating
I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don`t show anyone going to a job they hate, and paying their bills.
I just kicked a can in my driveway and somehow ended up with a goal against Brazil.
Apparently telling the airline stewardess that airplane food is "da bomb dat hijacked my tastebuds" is not considered a compliment......
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes off 9 minutes of your life.. According to my calculations i should have died in 1732.