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Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on.
Roses are red, violets are blue. If I had a brick, I`d throw it at you.
Stop asking why I’m still single. I don’t ask how you’re still married.
The only dates I get are updates.
It isn`t a successful BBQ until an intoxicated idiot runs face first into a sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
Nothing says "I`m behind on child support." like 26" spinning rims on an 86 Chevy Malibu.
Do handjobs from girls who speak sign language count as blowjobs
I can take care of my drunk friends, so the responsibility of having children doesn`t worry me.
I`m so bored at work that I`m actually doing my job.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Yo! My friend won a trip to China. He´s out there now... trying to win a trip back.
If you go for a jog and you don`t post it on Facebook, have you really jogged?
Sarcasm is funnier when used on people who don`t understand it.
How about a T.V. show that just explains the backstory on all of the “For External Use Only” warning labels.
Education is a process where we waste one half of our life learning how to waste the other half of our life!!