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My wife said she wanted to feel special. So I gave her a helmet and some crayons. Perhaps I misunderstood her?
When I die, I want people to say, "That guy owed me a lot of money"
"Polar bears can`t jump." - Black bears
Tonight`s weather forecast: dark. Continued dark overnight with widely scattered of light by morning.
Who named the walkie talkie and why isn`t the vacuum called the pushy sucky?
There’s no worse feeling than realizing your wife has fallen asleep & you’ve spent the last 20 minutes watching Real Housewives by yourself.
You`re in your 20`s... you don`t have "haters"... you have "adults" that think you are "annoying"
Man, just think how crazy Gollum goes on the 5th day of Christmas.
Only you can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
There`s nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.
Just because I’m smiling, doesn’t mean I don’t want to hit you in the face.
Single, means never having to say you`re sorry.
Fitness? More like, fitness whole pizza in my mouth.
It’s sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his crappy ACME gadgets, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It`s simple. If it`s clean, it`s on the floor. If it`s dirty, it`s on the floor over there.