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Leaving the house would be so much cooler if someone would yell “Aaaaand Action!” as I walk out the door.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Here`s how I gained 27lbs of muscle in 5 weeks: Lying.
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."
Anybody know where the cheapest place to buy 12 red roses is?.....just asking for a friend.
I`m celebrating 1 year of sobriety today ... I think it was 1989 ... Cheers!
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024....
I was in the gym earlier and decided to jump on the treadmill. People were giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.
Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?
If your wife has 2 phones, save both numbers under one name : “Wife” Never save them as "Wife1" and “Wife2" ~ a husband from the hospital
I wish I was important enough for my nudes to get leaked.
GAL: Would you keep me in your heart forever? BOY: Nop! GAL: (sadly)...why? BOY: Because then you`ll occupy only one part of me...but i`ll keep you in my heart, mind & let you complete me.
I don’t necessarily believe in karma, but I’m gonna be extra careful crossing the street after this weekend.
I don`t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you`re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year`s party, hope you had fun dude.
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said "too ugly to prostitute."