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Those of you who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” don’t really get how the whole “dead” thing works, do you?
Urban Dictionary has saved me from asking so many awkward questions.
It’s funny that old people need handicap parking spots but they always manage to pick up a penny off the ground.
Abbreviation is an unnecessarily long word.
I am not as think as you drunk I am
Daylight Savings makes us lose an hour... It’s kind of like Facebook.
You’ll never be as young as you are now.
"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it, I better call the police!" - literally no one ever
I’m convinced that the employees of McDonalds were just customers who could pay and are working off their bills.
In reference to why men can sleep with lots a women and it’s fine, but women can’t sleep with lots of men or else they’re whores. “If a key opens a lot of locks, it’s a master key. But if a lock is opened by a lot of different keys, it’s just a sh!tty lock.”
For those of you who know nothing about pleasing a woman... the G spot is located at the end of the word "shopping".....js
When your parties have glasses instead of red cups, you’re a grown up.
Saw a boat with a sign that read "For Sale" so I added the missing "-ing"......Idiots can`t spell...
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. Good times.
For some reason I`m an extremely secretive person. Don`t ask me why