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I suffer from paranoid-schizophrenic indifference. I really don`t care what the voices in my head are saying behind my back.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. “Alright, get in the basket”
An arranged marriage is just another way of saying that your parents helped you get laid.
If a girl texts you and asks if you think she`s fat and you try to respond "Nooo" autocorrect changes it to "Moo" so that`s pretty cool.
It takes two people to lie....one to lie.....the other to listen
Women`s magazines are so funny. 1: You`re beautiful and perfect just the way you are! 2: How to lose 20 pounds in 10 days.
Sometimes it’s just easier to eat the last slice of pizza than fit the box in the fridge.
Some days, I think that Dexter dude has the right idea.
i wish i could sleep ... but my damn A.D.D. kicks in and basically 1 sheep, 2 sheep, cow, turtle, duck, Ol McDonald had a farm, HEEEY Macerena.
A fun thing to do is comment "that ain`t the girl you were with at the bar the other night" on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you’re a terrible person and had it coming.
When I was a child, I wanted to be a surgeon. But apparently I was too young
Announcement: .. the Time Travelers Meeting scheduled for today will be held last Thursday
If you`re behind someone at the ATM late at night, let them know you`re not a threat by giving them a gentle kiss on their neck.
Whew, good thing there`s a facebook petition for ending the shutdown, or else we`d be in real trouble.