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I am trying my very best to get into the holiday spirit but I cant open the damn bottle.
Thanks to this huge spider web I just walked into, we can now add the neighbors to the list of people that have seen me naked.
I swear I heard my dentist whisper "yolo" as he reached for a chisel...
I´m on a whisky diet. I´ve lost three days already!
I have never walked toward the exit of a supermarket without nervously wondering if I`ve stolen something.
You can`t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them & hope they panic & give in.
You`re the one who wore a red and yellow scarf to class. So don`t look at me weird for shouting "10 points for gryffindor" when you answer questions cause I know you wanted this. -Bfanch
Two wrongs may not make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
It`s been rough today, right now I`m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
After I die, there are some people I’m going to haunt the sh!t out of.
This cold weather makes me half the man I used to be.
I lost 3 pounds over the weekend, but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut
People say nails on a chalkboard is the worst sound ever... I think it`s the alarm clock in the morning.
Why do pickup truck commercials think it`s very important that I`m able to tow a plane?
I hate when I`m about to hug someone really sexy, and my face hits the mirror.