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FITNESS TIP: Set a regular gym schedule that`s easy to keep up with. For example, I work out once every 4 years after I vote for president.
I`ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present, they are due back at the library today.
The ski racks on my car say I’m fun, adventurous, and can’t figure out how to take the ski racks off my car.
If practice makes perfect, one day I will make the perfect mistake.
This is my first lame status of the year. Enjoy!
Why would I dance like nobody`s watching? People need to see this.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
If I owned a copy shop, I’d only hire identical twins to work there.
I think my other three stove burners are becoming jealous of front-right.
As you get closer and closer to the end of this status, I think it`s important that you lower your expectations.
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It’s not like a murderer will come in thinking “I’m gonna ki..-ahhh. Damn, he’s under a blanket.”
I took the "Which 90`s Cartoon Are You?" quiz and got "You`re a fucking grown man. Stop it. Right now."