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Trail mix is just a reminder of how much better it would`ve been if I just ate a bag of M&M`s!
Meetings are 20% small talk, 5% what the meeting is about and 75% wasting everyone’s time.
The only thing wrong with eary mornings is being awake.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we`re married & live together so I`d have to see them every day.
Have we considered putting Scooby Doo and the gang on the Malaysian airplane caper?
Royal baby was born at 8 pounds. Thats like 12 dollars.
I`d be vegetarian ... if bacon grew on trees.
I`ve been around the block a few times, but then my neighbor realized I was drunk and helped me into my house.
Tip for Sunday Church: Don`t forget to keep your phones on silent, especially if your ringtone is `I like big butts and I do not lie!`
didn`t get much sleep last night, I tried counting sheep but they kept cutting in line, confused the hell outta me!!
I wish they all could be Jerry Springer girls.
So Apple is gonna buy Beats by Dr. Dre... I guess "an apple a day keeps the doctor away" doesn`t apply to technology?
I just found my Christmas Spirit.... It`s been in aisle 6 at this liquor store the whole time!
I will vote for Donald Trump just to hear him tell Obama he`s fired!!