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I`ve disappointed a lot of people in my life, you`re not special.
I`m not the type of person you should put on speaker phone
Sometimes I wish you could ask the pharmacist to "make it a double".
If you drink enough tonight, you won`t have to lie when you call in sick tomorrow.
You`d think Pizza Hut would be able to upgrade to a house by now.
You can`t make me believe there`s a shortage of jobs in this country when there are 23 cash registers at WalMart and only 3 cashiers.
The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
Sometimes I get up really early, drink some coffee and read some awesome motivational quotes. Then I go back to bed.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
If you respond to coworkers asking how your weekend was with turkey noises, they leave you alone.
Hey ladies who complain about falling in when we leave the toilet seat up; how about you first check if the runway is there before you bring the plane down.
Stop picking on Justin Bieber. That`s somebody`s daughter.
You know when dogs sticks their heads out of a moving car window, bite at the air and it looks like fun? I tried it. It is.
Let this be known as my Living Will. I do not wish to be cremated. If the Zombie Apocalypse happens I would like to be a part of it.
I don`t use cocaine, I just like the way it smells.