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Don`t run with scissors -- unless you`re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
Marriage is for quitters
That awkward moment, when you wake up with one sock on.
Taco Bell drive-thru should have a “I’m Feeling Lucky” button.
if its got tits you will get nothing but trouble !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There`s no use worrying about things you can`t control. Except for bodily functions...Hopefully you can control THEM. :/
I know alcohol isn`t the answer, but it`s my best guess.
Opening the Tupperware cupboard at home should be regarded as an extreme sport.
I`m happy, but not "Oprah just told me to look under my chair" happy.
If only someone on the internet would give me their opinion on the election.
I got kicked out of the audience of "Cats" on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
My GF`s anti aging cream went bad ... How does anti aging cream have an expiration date?!
10 times out of 9, you’ll find me exaggerating about something
Netflix basically has every movie, except for the ones I actually want to watch.
There is no such thing as something looking "Too good to eat"