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I don`t hate you, I`m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Well, if you count Elmer Fudd singing "Kill the Wabbit" then yes, I do like opera.
Things to do today.....pet all the spiders in my house at least twice with my shoe.
I`m the crazy bitch you`ll never forget.
Love is a two way street but you have to be careful because women can’t drive.
I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.
The saddest thing about St. Patrick`s Day is taking down all my Christmas decorations.
Tomorrow I`m going to start using big words to sound smart....Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
My girlfriend isn`t much of a wrestler but you should see her box!!
I just quit my job at the helium bottling plant. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone!
How many servings of fruit are in a fruit roll up? I`m trying to take my diet seriously now.
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you’re hot.
A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you “I’m drunk” is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying “I’m delicious”
The awkward moment when someone say "I gotta use the restroom.... Never mind."