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Not to brag, but I`m pretty good in bed. I don`t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
My email notification is a cricket sound that drives the wife crazy looking for the cricket. Winning!
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!!!!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
"This is bullsh!t" - bull farmer giving barn tours
It is amazing how a nice pair of boobs can hide serious flaws and signs of mental illness until after you marry them!
There were only 3 commandments until Moses’ wife got involved.
Does everyone have that one dumb ass that finds you on Facebook and will not give up? Repeated friend requests, inbox messages, and follows my pages. It is driving me nuts. I understand at some point I will have to give in, but just because I am married to her doesn`t mean I have to like her, right?
Girls are funny creatures. They hate it when you ask their age but will kill you if you forget their birthday.
I feel like water solves all problems. Wanna lose weight? drink water .. clear face ? Drink water.. Tired of your better half? Drown them
The truth is, men put the lids on jars that tight so you’d need us, we’re not that stupid.
never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes
Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn’t counting calories.
I`m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Buying an airline ticket is like paying shipping and handling for yourself.
People always say that alcohol kills... but if you think about it .... it causes many births too.