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In a weird twist,,, The longer I stay at home,,, The more homeless I look.
Is "drunk" an emotion? Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now...
The best way to grill a chicken is to whack it with a rubber hose before you ask why it crossed the road..
Damn you auto correct mind your business.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
If the people in horror movies would just listen to me, they would still be alive!
Try Zumba, It`s awesome ... on my way to the emergency room.
Well the Christmas tree is out of the house, and back on the rear view mirror.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
I`m at my most popular when I just want to be alone.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
My wife wrote an email to me saying she was concerned that we have communications issues. I immediately sent an IM asking her to clarify. She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we’re not as connected as she’d like. I tweeted her that I love her more than anything. She texted me that she loves me too and sent me a poem on Pinterest explaining how tired she was after a long day of work leading to her email. So I leaned over and kissed her good night.
You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.
So how many pokes does it take before its considered a heavy petting?
Don`t take nude pics. Problem solved.