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I think sex is probably the best stress reliever, but I haven’t beaten anyone with a baseball bat before, so I can’t be 100% sure.
That moment you realize that the person who proofread Hitler`s speeches was indeed a Grammar Nazi.
According to these court documents, the way to a woman`s heart isn`t through her bedroom window.
If you ever find lotion on a guy`s night stand, it`s not because he wants to moisturize his skin.
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, `Well, she`s there`
My girlfriend just accused me of being unfaithful. I told her that is ridiculous and that she is starting to sound like my wife.
Things people say after watching a movie: 5% - I can’t wait for the sequel. 5% - That was a great movie. 5% - That was a complete waste of money. 85% - I gotta pee!!
It takes patience to listen, it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
im so hungry, im farting fresh air
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
I`ve spent the past four years looking for my ex-wife`s killer, but no one will do it.
Parenting is a lot like the bar scene: Everyone`s yelling, everything`s sticky, it`s the same music over and over again and occasionally someone pukes somewhere they
I don`t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it.
I would love to kill you with kindness, but all I have is this knife.
Just once I want my skills to be so urgently required that a helicopter is dispatched to pick me up.