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Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, "Please wear."
You look over-medicated. What`s your doctor`s name?
I love it when the person’s laugh is funnier than the actual joke.
Yes, I dance in my car. Yes, I see you staring at me. No, I do not care.
Anybody know where the cheapest place to buy 12 red roses is?.....just asking for a friend.
I was watching craps at the casino all night until security finally dragged me out of the bathroom.
I`ve heard that men that are married live longer, but i`ve also heard that men that have sex live longer. Anybody know which one of them is true?
This police sketch artist has no idea that he`s about to draw me as the most bad ass Batman caricature ever.
How long do I have to stand in front of the microwave for to become a member of X-Men?
Watch out! It’s quite possible some of my best mistakes haven’t been made yet.
Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It`s like a tattoo that yells at you.
I may have no one rocking my world right now, but I have no one ruining it either!
My bf just got out of jail. Says life in jail for him was a big pain in the a$$
Some people are just pure evil...I should know because I`m one of them.
Immature: A word boring people use to describe fun people.