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I`m trying to be healthy and grow my own food but I can`t find any Twinkie seeds. :/
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
I`m a huge fan of screaming "You`re welcome" really loud when people don`t say thank you...
I got in an elevator with a lady with big breasts. She said could you press one for me please. I did and that was the last thing I remember
Don`t worry about the grass on the other side. It`s not your grass.
I`m done chasing people who aren`t willing to do the same for me. After today, the ice cream man can go f*ck himself!!
I`m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out. We are going to watch tv.
I was told there would be kool-aid.
Helpful Tip: You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Facebook: Wasting peoples lives since 2004
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent ... I would have to say it’s the kids.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
No cowboy in the world can out draw a grandmother pulling a baby picture out of her wallet.
Dr. Oz says having 1/2 hour of sex is equivalent to running 6 miles. I guess I`m going to the gym today.
I`m feeling 22.. Pounds overweight.