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life is like a bed of roses just got to whatch out for the pricks
Someone told me I`m immature and need to grow up. Guess who`s not allowed in my treehouse now.
Warranty – A notice telling the buyer when the product that was just purchased will no longer function.
No YouP*rn… I do not want to play poker, I’m at work for crying out loud.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: To propagate authoritarianism and generate revenue for the state? Cop: ...
If no one comes from the future to stop you, than how bad of a decision can it really be.
When nobody`s home, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house.
I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.
I carry a yoga mat, but it`s only because I get sleepy after lunch
Dear penis, thanks for not bleeding once a month. Sincerely, every man ever.
We all have that one friend that needs to learn how to whisper.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can`t leave messages now. That`s the kind of genius I am.
There are 10 types of people in the world, Those that understand binary, and those who don`t.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone