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It`s amazing what you`ll wear in public when you`re not trying to have sex with anyone.
I`m only a morning person on December 25th
Lazy Fact #69302246777573 - You were too lazy to read that number.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Homeless people should make more creative signs like "I bet you can`t hit me with a quarter...b!tch!"
So I ran into an old girlfriend who I dated who`s new boyfriend she was with looked exactly like me when I was seeing her. You know, miserable
The best occupation to work from home as: Bartender.
I don`t always say `oops`, but when I do, it`s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Car sex is not fun...that tailpipe BURNS
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities"
To save time, lets just assume I am never wrong ;)
eHarmony has a 24 month plan. How ugly do you have to be to need 2 years to find someone?
Apparently telling the airline stewardess that airplane food is "da bomb dat hijacked my tastebuds" is not considered a compliment......
Ban pre-shredded cheese! Make America grate again.
Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.