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If you give me a phone number or directions while I`m on the phone with you, just know that I`m using my very best finger pen and air paper.
If you can´t say anything nice ... we´re probably related.
Remember, pretty much all of the “tough guys” you see on TV and movies were theater majors in college.
People who wait 4 hours to reply to my text with "lol" should be shot.
I’m a lonely Status. I wish more people liked me.
Sleep is for the people without access to Internet.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
I try to do all my pooping at work. Cause if you can get paid to poop, you`d be a fool not to.
Doing some caroling! All by myself. In people`s backyards. In the bushes. Very little singing. Mostly watching.
Setting the alarm clock proves I`m capable of making the same mistake every day.
If you would`ve told me back in 1999 that we`d still be using animated gifs in 2015, I would`ve said "Wow, what a boring conversation"
What do horses eat? Hay. What do gay horses eat? Haaaayyyy!
I licked some of the frosting, but then I just ate the whole cake. No evidence. Problem solved.
"Always leave them wanting more" is my new mantra when paying bills.
Noise canceling toilets should be a thing.