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I always get hammered before I go jogging, that way I never go jogging.
This Polo shirt as two buttoning options: Uptight Golf prick or disco chest hairs.
I`ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn`t just put the dots in the shape of the actual letters.
One day, I will solve my problems with maturity. Today, however, it will be with alcohol.
Tequila... cuz the bed isn`t goin to spin itself!
Never make an arm wrestle bet with a guy who has been single for longer than 6 months.
Rubix cubes are EASY....when you`re color blind.
Today please just pretend I wrote something hilarious, click like, and move on down the news feed.
I mean if men are better at math why do they get the lenght wrong all the time.
Never compliment a woman on her sideburns ... no matter how magnificent they look.
I’ve taken off my pants in most malls that I’ve been to.
Just witnessed kids playing tag. What is this world coming to? Do their parents know they are outside, interacting, and getting exercise?
Are you really sorry or are you just Charlie Sheen sorry?
The best way to hang up on someone is to do it in the middle of your own sentence, that way they will just think you lost service.
I know you’re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?