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Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Wednesday, you’d be a lot cooler if you were Friday night.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn`t leave much room. It`s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
I used to date this girl that worked at Hasbro, but I finally got sick of all her games.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Side boob is only hot on women, bro.
Seems like you must have been pretty stupid to get caught for murder in the 1800s
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you`re hot.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
I`ve been told I`m doing exceedingly well in my exaggeration therapy class, I think it`s because I`ve been giving it 180 percent.
You bring the friendship, I`ll bring the benefits.
The great thing about snow is it makes your lawn look as good as your neighbors.
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator. Hahaha I’m so sorry. No I’m not.
My Christmas present to all of you? I took a naked selfie and deleted it.
The "Beware of Cat" sign posted outside my house doesn`t seem to be having the desired affect.