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Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous...Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. "My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl."
Do you guys dance in the shower too? This morning I did the robot! (I short circuited and stared at the wall for 40 minutes, broken)
Meetings are 20% small talk, 5% what the meeting is about and 75% wasting everyone’s time.
I never tell god how big my problems ,,, I tell my problems how big my god is
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I`m supposed to stop reading the internet.
I`m lost, no wait..... Yep, lost for sure
I dreamt I was you..I hated myself. Luckily I woke up..woah that was close.
Hey ladies, you know that feeling you get when you roll over & realize you made a horrible mistake? I could give that to you every day.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I`ll have to turn to Facebook.
Easy come, easy go describes my last 12 cases of beer and 17 relationships.
I`m pretty sure even Santa wishes they would stop playing Christmas music on the radio this time of year.
Walmart needs observation decks.
Got kicked out of the casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.