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I know you people are crazy. I can spot my own kind a mile away.
The realization you`ve spoken too loudly when you exclaimed: " My Salad had NUTS!"
Sometimes getting unfriended on Facebook is magical....really....it`s like the trash took itself out.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk while it´s still snowing
That awkward moment for a guy when he`s at a urinal stall and another guy takes the stall right next to him when there`s plenty of other perfectly good stalls farther away..
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problems. 99% demons.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I`m sure you already know, have a great time!
When I said I missed you, I meant with a hammer.
My wife`s credit cards were stolen last week. I haven`t reported it yet though...because so far, they are spending less than she was.
WANTED: Someone to follow me around and whisper "You`re an adult" every few minutes.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels? - Bfanch
If I ever go missing and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
I’m pretty sure I have atleast one anscestor who would be pretty pissed to find out that helicopters exist and I can’t fly one.
Gravity didn`t seem this strong twenty-five years ago.
Filling out a job application. Under "Military Experience" I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.