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3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Fun Fact: if you took the skin of an average person and laid it out flat,you would have enough for a serious criminal conviction :)
My Bills are so big that I have to call them William now.
My New Year`s Resolution is to stop making late decisions.
Guess what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
I got passed by a Prius on the Interstate and now I’m legally required to pee sitting down.
My "check engine" light came on while driving to work this morning. I looked and the engine is still there...silly light.
Just once, I`d like to clock out from work by sliding down a dinosaur.
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I`m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
I`ve already had two beers which automatically means my day is already better than yours.
Why is it when you take a break from Facebook everyone assumes you`re happy and in love ... Maybe I was in jail.
Sometimes, my greatest accomplishment is just keeping my mouth shut.
Home is where the pants aren’t.
I went to the Dr today with severe headaches .. he asked if I suffered from any memory loss. I said "How the F would I know?"
That fact that I need sun glasses to open my fridge means my night must have been awesome.