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Let me be clear, I don`t want to die alone. However I want to be left completely alone until that moment
Do you know who invented the Knock Knock joke? I don`t know either, but whoever did should get a no bell prize.
You took the time to make your minivan look like a reindeer, but you can`t take one second to hit the turn signal an inch from your fingers?
Sleeping is so difficult when you have a world awake in your phone.
That awkward moment when the majority of people think your status is stupid.
Paying bills is fun and easy when you have a bottle of wine and a shredder.
Stand for what you believe in. Or sit on the couch and have a couple of donuts. It`s a free country really.
Heck, I can tell which people are really judgmental just by looking at them.
Considering this is the land of the free, stuff is pretty damn expensive.
How come they didn`t call this years game the BUD bowl?
I wanted to book an Elvis impersonator for a party so I phoned them up and got a call centre. It said `press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.`
Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?
Some people come into your life as blessings, others come into your life as lessons.
It’s not pretty being easy.
I wonder if Brazil has a wax museum?