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Recipes sound good until you realize that you don`t have $846 worth of spices in your house.
I get so confused when I`m about to watch a TV show or movie and "For Mature Audiences Only" appears on the screen. Can I watch or not?
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while...
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Iām tired of things costing money.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
When I order pizza online, in the "Special Instructions for the Driver" box, I put "Tell me I`m a pretty princess".
People are like dogs: There`s always someone who loves you for you and there`s someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I always wanted to buy a Parrot and teach it to say, "Help, they`ve turned me into a parrot!"
I always wear a wedding ring when I go grocery shopping, so everyone thinks my cart full of groceries are for a family of 4 instead of just me
Have you ever realized that sleeping is just your eyes staring at your eyelids all night long?
Why get married? Just pick a girl you hate and buy her a house.
That time Homer`s arms were stuck in a vending machine until he realized he could just let go is basically what all of life is like
I`m at the point in my life where "friend with benefits" just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.