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I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it`s a website to find love. So I was close.
I will be posting telepathically today. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
My girlfriend says I shouldn`t plan things so far in advance. Well, she`s not my girlfriend yet.
Never look at your beer as half-empty. Look at it as you’re halfway to your next beer.
It`s not condescending if they`re stupid.
More celebrities should donate blood. I mean, imagine having the blood of Will Smith running through your veins.
Sometimes I sit and wonder what the world would be like if I wasn`t awesome ... That would be scary.
The worst part of quitting drinking is how few excuses you have for your behavior
I`m so hungry I could eat without looking down at my phone.
There`s nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.
If at first you don`t succeed, you`ll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn`t succeed either.
I`m Dave, or as the ladies like to call me... "Hey, you! Behind the bushes!"
Never underestimate the power of cleavage.
B is the best letter of the alphabet: Boobs, Buns, Booty, Booze, Beer, Bourbon, and Bacon.