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I saved someone`s life today. Well, I resisted the urge to strangle the life out of some idiot. That`s the same thing, right?
Friend: Hey that`s a great truck. what kinda engine? Me: [rubbing the hood] it`s got a truck engine
What does lolz mean...Laugh out loud zebras?
I hate people that take drugs, specially U.S. Customs and the D.E.A.
Turns out I`m ambidextrous at yet another sport! And I even scored a bingo twice. Left-handed!
I`m 42 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won`t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift "from all of us" anymore.
I may be delusional but at least I`m going to Mars in November.
If you feel bad because you didn’t do well on a final, just remember someone from your hometown is still trying to become a rapper.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven`t even seen me in bed yet.
If you`re going to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 10am, don`t be open.
I robbed a bank yesterday....now the question is, what to do with all that sperm....
This day will end with either wine or shopping. Probably both.
The problem with reality is that there’s no background music, so you never really know whether something mysterious, evil or adventurous is about to happen.