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I`ve spent approximately 2% of my life walking back to the trash can and checking the box to see how long I need to microwave my food.
Today is the day I go back to the gym. Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
The hardest thing about looking for work is the sobriety.
This rough sex would have been a lot better if I wasn`t alone.
I`m pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butts.
The best part of waking up is.....wait, I didn`t think this through entirely.
I don`t know if I have a stalker, but if I do could you drop off some beer? Thanks
That akward moment you try and deep throat a banana and get caught ... and your a dude.
Friends would describe me as classy, sassy and a bit smart-assy.
"Better to be pissed off than pissed on!" Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I`m not angry or covered in piss.
If a cannibal is late for dinner, do they give him the cold shoulder?
So your baby doesn`t know any tricks at all?
Adulthood is basically sadness and paying bills.
My butt decided to go big instead of go home.
I`m just amazed after all these years that we STILL haven`t seen Mario`s buttcrack.