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A recent survey revealed that 4 out of 5 women think I`m an a-hole...
Facebook: Saving us money on birthday cards since 2004
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting...
Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you`ll finally have 2 kids by the same father."
Should have never gave my cat a lemon, now he’s walking around like a sour puss.
I miss flip phones because at the end of a conversation you could always dramatically close them like, bitch whatever.
I sometimes worries about my short attention span, ...but not for very L... hey! ... look at that squirrel!
What if the weather talks about us?
I bet it’s called Almond Milk, because no one would buy Nut Juice.
I wonder if anyone has watched Storage Wars and said, "Hey, that`s my stuff!"?
The best two kinds of beer in this world are....Cold & Free..
The reason swans mate for life is because they don`t talk.
Wife really liked the "sex anytime, anywhere" coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified "with me"
The sad part about seeing any shopper at Walmart with a blue tooth, is that normally it is that shopper`s only tooth.
I scream. You scream. The police come ... It`s awkward ;)