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Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
I wouldn’t have to manage my anger, if people could learn to manage their stupidity.
That logical moment when you`re watching Home Alone 2 wondering how child services haven`t taken him away from his parents yet.
My safe word is letsgetmarried.
"Who`s this clown?" - every guy about every other guy who is in a photo with a girl we like
u smile i smile u laugh i laugh u cry i`ll go get a bat and say who`s gonna get it
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not "content creator"?
"She really does suck!" could be a complement in the porn industry
I just sprayed Citrus Fabreeze in my bathroom... Now it smells like Sh*trus
This oatmeal tastes like I`m gonna need a doughnut.
I`m tired of people assuming I`ve got a good personality because I`m ugly.
I`ve had this ant farm for a year now and these lazy bastards still haven`t grown any crops.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that`s still a sports injury, right?
Facebook: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk post the world?
I`m using voice-to-text to post this status. All I do is talk and it makes a text out of it. It`s really cool... Hey! What are you doing? That`s my phone! Give it back! Come back here, you son of a...