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New Rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I am guaranteed at least one attempt at trying to trip you.
Just once I`d like someone to call me "sir" without having to add "you need to calm down or we`re going to have to ask you to leave"
Sleep is like sex, you never get enough of it and sometimes it feels like it never happened at all.
There’s no question about it, the second half of the tank of gas goes twice as fast as the first!
My little brother just told me I looked stoned as hell. Which is a little weird, considering I don`t have a little brother...
If women ruled the world, There would be no wars. just a bunch of counties not talking to each other!
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn`t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat...
Relationship Status: eating
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped and shattered my phone
I just googled Magnum condoms and I swear I could hear Siri laughing.
I`m smiling ... You should be scared.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80`s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
If someone invites you to their wedding, it`s apparently bad form to say "Sorry I can`t make it but I`ll come to your next one".
Sometimes you just see a post and think, "Yup it`s your own fault."