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Unlike milk, it is perfectly ok to cry over spilled whiskey.
My 83 year old neighbor got pulled over for speeding. She told the cop she had to hurry before she forgot where she was going.
All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
I’m not saying don’t trust the internet but there’s an alarming discrepancy between the number of ipads I’ve won & the number of ipads I own.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words "wet and slippery" at work all day without anyone thinking I`m a big perv.
Having a bit of a lazy day, sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online ... My boss doesn`t look amused
If I ever sound inspriational, one of us is drunk.
Sex, drugs, and candy crush all have one thing in common. It’s only an addiction if you start paying for it.
I`m not a gamer, but I can be as lazy as one.
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
The girls who don’t get a rose on The Bachelor should automatically get a cat.
With names like "Batman" and "Robin", you`d think they could fly...
One time I threw a boomerang and lost it.. So now I have to live in constant fear.. O_o
my girlfriend asked me to go to the store and pick her up 50 shades of grey, she was pretty mad when i brought home 50 tubes of lipstick.