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When riding in an elevator, be sure to push all the buttons. Your fellow riders will appreciate the fact that you thought of everyone.
Wife is out of town until tomorrow night. Anyone wanna come sit on the other end of the sofa and ignore me?
Do you know who invented the Knock Knock joke? I don`t know either, but whoever did should get a no bell prize.
Logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink at night.
Online personality tests are pretty self-explanatory… If you’re taking the test, chances are you don`t have one.
Today, my wife asked "would you still love me if I was ugly and fat." "Yes, honey I do." was not the right answer.
I`m no expert, but I`m pretty sure a lot of economic problems could be solved by extending the McDonald`s breakfast menu back out to 11am.
I DON`T HATE YOU,I`M JUST NOT NECESSARILY EXCITED ABOUT YOUR EXISTENCE!
When I die I`m going to go to heaven and God is going to be like nope, remember what you said on Facebook
Who’s that sexy beast…………..oh I clicked on my own profile again. ;)
To Do List: 1: Buy a knife 2: Call it kindness 3: Kill people with Kindness
The best trick the devil ever pulled was calling herself "him".
Sometimes I zone out and forget what I’m supposed to be doing, and then I remember and take a drink of my beer.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.