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There`s no law against twerking...but apparently it`s still frowned upon during jury duty.
Some people want to get in shape before they go to a gym. Which is the equivalent of losing weight so you can go on a diet
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
If you don`t know me by now....I`m a really good stalker.
When I wake up at night, I reach out to you, I love you not for what you look like, I love you for what you have inside - Me to my fridge
I think it`s about time Taylor Swift wrote a song called "Maybe I`m the Problem"
I am so clever sometimes I don`t even understand what I`m saying.
If you want funny, get off Facebook and watch the news...
For my next trick, I’ll turn this 12 pack of beer into drunk dialing/texting.
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything? Well...my phone number for a start
At times I wish I had a clone, but then I realize, I could never live with that a$$hole.
I decided to bury the hatchet with that neighbor I never got along with. After all, it is the murder weapon.
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions
I wish there was a reality show where people learned grammar.
Day 10: I am thankful there are only 20 days left for all my friends to be thankful about how awesome their lives are.