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Financial status: I hope United Airlines drags me off my flight
ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That`s ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
The condoms need to be located in the baby aisle, next to the 30 dollar diapers and 20 dollar formula cans
I love everyone these days... Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others, I`d love to punch in the face...
If I gave you a penny for your thoughts I`d totally be expecting some change back.
I`m gonna surprise my hand with some sex tonight!
If your wife has 2 phones, save both numbers under one name : “Wife” Never save them as "Wife1" and “Wife2" ~ a husband from the hospital
I`m not sayin you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
It`s ok, ghosts, no-one believes in me either.
It turns out that playing strip solitaire isn`t nearly as much fun as playing strip poker. Especially at work...
Arguing over a girl`s bust size is like choosing between Heineken, Coors or Budweiser -- Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
The last time I went to a nude beach I got a ticket. The officer said I was applying my sunscreen...Too Fast.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
If your bf/gf tries to start a fight with you just say, "Please. Not during Toyotathon."
all joking aside, think how many babies might be created tonight on valentines day