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My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
This woman is so impressed at my driving that she got next to me just to show me she’s not wearing a ring. Thanks hun, but wrong finger!
When they say " drink responsibly ", what they really mean is "don`t f***in spill it!"
If I had a nickel for everytime I told myself I`d quit smoking, I could buy a lot more cigarettes
Starting tomorrow, whatever life throws at me, I`m ducking so it hits someone else!
A fun gym game is to drag your treadmill behind someone else`s, and then run with a determined glare while holding a bat.
You had me at “We’ll make it look like an accident.”
I`m the type of person that would thrive in solitary confinement.
Sometimes late at night.. I dig a hole in the back yard by lantern light.. Sure keeps my nosy neighbors on their toes.. :|
I need to get out of bed and do something so I can justify taking a nap later.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn`t use Real dinosaurs.
I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Fun Things to do : Commenting “not your best” on everybody’s selfies.
I just found my Christmas Spirit.... It`s been in aisle 6 at this liquor store the whole time!
My favorite exercise is a combination of a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.