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Last night I saw a documentary about beavers. Best dam show I ever watched.
ASKHOLE: A person who constantly ask for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them
Turns out fantasy football is nothing like I thought it would be. Anyone interested in a naughty quarterback outfit? Serious inquiries only.
Is it just me, or do mirrors look really sexy?
’twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming ... cuz I went into the wrong house.
Dear middle finger, Thank you for sticking up for me.
Sometimes I find myself envious of how well Waldo can hide..
Jack The Ripper would be a great name for a fitness trainer.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
The only honest people in the world are small children and me after a couple cocktails.
People say nails on a chalkboard is the worst sound ever... I think it`s the alarm clock in the morning.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don`t know Netflix exists."
Home is where the pants aren’t.
You know you`re getting old when Happy Hour is a nap.