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I`m on this great new diet where I spend all my grocery money on strippers.
As a kid, i was afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I am terrified of the electrical bill.
Working from home means I save money on train tickets and pants, but spend more on vodka and pizza.
People say circumcision dosen`t hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn`t walk for nearly a year.
My Chinese waiter put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now.............Wait, That`s not my waiter!
My girlfriend ended up with a broken nose today because she wouldn`t listen to me... I said,"You`re about to walk into a lamppost."
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 7 am is sexy... Then yeah, I`m your guy.
Still don`t understand why you can`t end a company-wide email with, `Later b*tches.`
Home is where you can say anything you want, because nobody listens to you anyway.
My favorite drink is the fullest one on the table.
Smile. Your enemies hate it.
when a police officer yells turn around . Do not respond by singing . Every now and then i get a little bit lonely when you never come around
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that doesn`t let you skip.
Facebook: The only place where you get excited when strangers follow you.
People who really love their jobs are annoying. Keep that sh!t to yourself.