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So tell me, does it hurt to be so full of sh!t?
Life is so much funnier if you have a dirty mind
My identity was stolen. I hope they do a better job with my life than I did!
I was struggling,trying to figure out how lightning works .....then it struck me!
Eat breakfast: Check...Pay Phone: Check...Conquer the world: Still Pending...
The problem with diets is pizza.
I just got a paper cut opening a box of Pop Tarts. There will be no more fancy breakfasts around here.
Home: Where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
Come to think of it, I’ve never seen a taxi fill up at a gas station
Why isn’t the default for online shopping “view all”? Who likes to skip through 20 pages of only 12 items…
Love is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head.
I’ve found that the things I’m most interested in aren’t really in my best interest.
The only solution to a problem is to find the source and Kill it.
Vodka can be mixed with anything, including more vodka.