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Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Send a man to the store to get 5 items, he will come home with 4. Send a woman to the store to get 5 items she will come home with 54. Its science.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What`s on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...
Just remember, every day is a gift from God. Well except for Monday.. Satan slips that one in. He’s a sneaky bastard.
Just realized I have more in common with Garfield than I have with most people
No one can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it ;)
Some Facebook friends are like ghost you dont see them but you know their there
The most impressive thing about how cowboys used to have showdowns at high noon is that they could get two people to be on time to something
Just read an article about a new species of spider in Sri Lanka that is the size of an average human`s face. In an unrelated matter, I have decided to NEVER visit Sri Lanka.
"Has anybody ever seen a chicken fly? No? Good, there`s nothing wrong with ya"
If you had to choose between your significant other and a million dollars, what`s the first thing you`d buy?
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead. It`s pain only for others. It`s the same thing when you are stupid.
Is a bath relaxing for Michael Phelps, or does he just feel like he is at work?
I would like to publicly apologize to anyone I have NOT offended…I will get to you shortly.
I`ve been around the block a few times.....but only because I was too drunk to find my house.