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When`s it gonna be the 4th of July? I feel like blowin somethin` up and not gettin` arrested.
Word on the street is... Lol. Jk. I don`t go outside.
They say love is more important than money. I`d like to see them go and try to pay their bills with a hug.
Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you’ll get what you want.
Matchbooks exist just to be clues in detective movies.
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
The last time I saw something as ugly as your face I pinned a tail on it.
Today is that day where anything you read online could be totally made up. Oh, wait, that`s every day.
All fortune cookies should just read, "You will have diarrhea for the next 24 hours.
Sorry I can`t make it to your party tonight- I have to get up REALLY early tomorrow afternoon.
No, I do not want to talk about how I got all these scratches. On a completely unrelated note; If you`ve ever wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase,,,.. it’s 9.
This cold weather makes me half the man I used to be.
I just saw a 3D printer at the UPS store. It`s kind of cool, but I won`t be impressed until it can print snacks...
Spoiler Alert: Ladies, if your guy friend gets you a teddy bear, it has a Camera in it.
Dear Cashier, you should stop giving me attitude and acting like you`re job is so complicated and stressful....Self-Checkout has proven that pretty much Anyone can do your job.