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I`m really wanting to sit and watch a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
When girls wear yoga pants I feel like a ghost from Mario. Uncontrollably attracted when they turn away, but frozen when they look at me.
Life isn`t a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, chances are you are going to walk home barefoot.
People that say “money doesn’t buy happiness” obviously have never been divorced.
In paintball, you should be allowed to use a paintbrush as a knife.
F*ck It - My final thought before making decisions.
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.
Have you ever wondered if God looks down at you in a humorous moment, chuckles to himself, and says "yeah I made that!"
It`s depressing to think how much more Dora the Explorer has seen and done in her life compared to mine.
Let`s be honest. The only reason you listen to your voice-mail messages is to make the stupid icon disappear
Don`t be upset that you`re single; be happy that someone isn`t ruining your life.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after the 4th sneeze…get your self together
Sometimes, I think I`m a genius. Then I realize I`ve already seen this episode of Jeopardy.
What`s this g-mail? I just got used to e-mail. And why did they skip f-mail?
Better to be incredibly weird than incredibly boring.