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I like holding the door for people who are far away, you know so they have to run a little.
My new plan is to ignore my problems until they become hilarious stories.
Whoever is controlling me sucks at this game.
It`s only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
I never said I was better than everyone else, just better than you.
Just once would I like to see the "Phone a Friend" lifeline on Millionaire go straight to voicemail.
Just ate a whole bag of chips, but it was “reduced fat” so basically it was like going to the gym.
I`m in big trouble if my coworkers find out I don`t really have Tourette`s.
I just ate Pasta and Anti-Pasta, but they annihilated each other, now I am hungry again.......
I tried jogging this morning, but the alcohol kept spilling out of my glass, f&ck that.
Last person to like this wins a prize.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won`t understand how many calories are in it.
“Nothing is impossible.” I disagree. I’m doing nothing right now… it’s totally possible.
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be totally impossible!