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"Fidget Spinners are so dumb pointless." -The generation that purchased over 5 million Pet Rocks.
Meetings are 20% small talk, 5% what the meeting is about and 75% wasting everyone’s time.
Currently helping my girlfriend look for her chocolates that I ate 5 hours ago...
I don`t hit the "Like" button on my own statuses because I am self-centered, it`s just that I amaze myself sometimes and I want to show my appreciation!!!!!!
In wine there is wisdom. In beer there is strength. In water there is bacteria. You decide.
There’s a thin line between “I should do a status update about that” and “I should talk to a therapist about that”
My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it`s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says "welcome"...
It`s okay I`ll text myself back.
Bicyclists, it`s one thing to hog the road, but it`s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Bartenders are basically professionals that we hire to poison us very slowly in creative ways.
It`s not "you`re" or "your". It`s mine. It`s all mine, everything is mine!
Sometimes when you first meet someone you just know you want to spend the rest of your life ... Avoiding them