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Really had my heart set on waking up rich today.
Behind every strong woman is a man that she needs to open jars and get things off high shelves.
Turns out Xenophobia is not `A fear of Warrior Princesses`
Why does life keep teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn?
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome
Mondays are middle finger approved
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
The synonym for `reality` is `offline`
Remember when the scariest thing we had to deal with was computers forgetting what year it was
All i ever see on facebook is LBR, TBH, LMS, and all that other crap...
That one day of fame on Facebook because it`s your birthday.
They say I have a drinking problem. I say they have a problem with nudity.
I`m not sarcastic…I`m just intellegent beyond your understanding.
Relationships would be easier if people came with a "Clear History" button.
Tip to reduce weight, first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.