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Helpful Tip: A ceiling fan won`t cut a bagel in half ... Not even on top speed
I’d be more motivated to work out if the stationary bikes had a little basket to hold my snacks and beer.
I really don`t have time for people that don`t find me hilarious.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Ever notice that all the instruments searching for intelligent life are pointed away from earth?
I know money talks but I wish mine had a better vocabulary instead of just ‘Spend me’.
Sometimes, talking to a woman requires a translator.
Apparently, "Step up your game" isn`t the correct response when your neighbour brings over fresh cookies, and your wife asks how they are.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a "judgment free" zone...unless we`re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
I still remember when everyone wanted their phone to be smaller. Now that we can watch porn on them, everyone wants them bigger.
I can cope with voices in my head but the voices outside my head drive me crazy.
First thing I do in the morning: Look at the clock and hope I have more time to sleep.
Don`t get me wrong, Chinese food is amazing. But I`ll be damned if they expect me to believe that a chicken fried this rice.
How do we not have lightsabers yet? Its like scientists aren´t even trying.