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When someone is in a bad mood, I like to help matters by pointing out several times that they seem to be in a bad mood.
You should probably first master the art of thinking “inside” the box
You should be able to park in an “expecting mother” parking space if you’re waiting for your mom.
When my husband gives me shit for taking too long to get ready, I remind him that you never know when you`ll meet the man of your dreams.
Talking to you makes me invent new swear words.
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year, and then discover once a year is way too often.
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where is my phone?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch, dumba$$."
I found out why I`m still single. Apparently, you have to go outside and let people see you.
Couples Halloween costumes always end up looking like one person went along with it to save the relationship.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
I do my best proofreading after I hit send.
Your secrets are safe with me because I zone out everytime you speak.
Another funny thing about this status is when you finally realize that it talks about nothing? its all ready too late to stop reading. lol
Dear iPhone, Please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Bad decisions make good stories.