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I’ve robbed banks before and they’re never getting their pens back.
The weekend went by and I don’t remember any of it. That’s a good thing right?
Whenever I check my weight, I always subtract 5 pounds. I don`t think that boobs and brains this fabulous should count against me.
It is kinda at the point where everything in my life is a movie reference
Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who is not buying this?
I remember, once upon a time... for about 2 seconds... about 13 years ago... I almost gave a damn.
If there is one-thing in this would i don`t like being thought is ... a lesson.
Every parent’s superpower is the ability to communicate “I love you!” and “I will kill you!” with a single look.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog "NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about this!"
Her (from the living room): What time is it out there? Me (in the kitchen): Same time as it is in there.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There`s no episode where a man asks a woman `what`s wrong?`
Giving people the finger while driving just isn`t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
I can’t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
Sometimes, I don`t know how I`m going to get through the day. Then I remember: I have beers waiting for me at home. I can do this for them
I`m going to clean my house today and by clean I mean I`m drinking vodka and spraying Febreze everywhere.