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I’m not drunk, I’m just exhausted from drinking all night.
"I love Justin bieber" well I love McDonalds but you don`t see me making an account pretending to be a f*cking chicken nugget do you...
Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other,it`s given me another reason to stare.
You could give me 45 years to do homework and I still wouldn’t do it until the night before.
why waste your brain cells to think of a comment when you can just like someone else`s?
Next time some one does something REALLY stupid, just smack them and say, "Man, did you see the size of that bug?"
A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Bored? Simply send a text message to a random number saying..."I`m Pregnant!"
It’s a status….not your diary…
Tips for Guys on Valentine`s Day: Tell your girl you already got something and make her guess. She`ll automatically list things she wants.
This Facebook is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Noise canceling toilets should be a thing.
I love in horror movies how the person yells out "hello?!" as if the killer is gonna say "yeah I´m in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"
Is it too early to start drinking? - some moron with a clock.