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"I`d hit that" -old people who drive
Happy people don`t take long showers.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Today I am thankful for dirty text messages, stripclubs, and Jack Daniels
I just don`t want to look back and think "I could`ve eaten that"
Learn cursive, they said. You`ll need it your whole life, they said.
Before McDonald`s I bet "don`t buy cheeseburgers from a clown" was a pretty hard and fast rule.
Drake isn`t even a rapper anymore. He`s an emotion, like "how are you doing today?" "idk im feeling kinda drake though"
My shrink says if I take these pills I won`t see you guys anymore.
It`s really crazy that you don`t hear a round of applause every time you order a salad.
I`m not crazy, but I am a carrier.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society`s way of preparing you for your driver`s license photo.
Me and my recliner...we go way back.
I`ll never need a shrink as long as my wife keeps pointing out whats wrong with me...
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it