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A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
If Harry Potter is so magical then why can’t he fix his eye sight?
I ignored your Facebook friend request because there isn`t a "Hell no!" button.
I`ve been taking viagara for my sunburn........ It doesn`t cure it...... but it does keep the sheets off my legs at night.
If life is unfair to everyone, doesn’t that make life fair?
Scared some Jehovah`s Witnesses today by going to the door completely naked. I`m not sure what scared them more, me being totally naked or the fact that I knew where they lived.
I did not steal your drink. You abandoned it and I rescued it.
After midnight, clowns aren`t funny.
I’m no Dr. Phil, but I bet if you tell at least 5 people to f*ck off today, you’ll feel better.
Would an obsession with the imperial measurement system be considered a foot fetish?
If you hold a 40oz bottle to your ear you can hear the ghetto.
Don’t judge me until you’ve walked a mile with my shoes….shoved up your a$$.
I wonder if I could get a job as a babysitter if I referenced my Facebook group admin experience.
I liked Hoarders much better when it was called Sanford & Son.
Went to Walmart yesterday and bought me a new toilet brush, I think I am gonna go back to using paper, it is much more gentle on the netherlands........