Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
As you Mature... you learn that you cannot make someone love you.. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in..
Caught myself yelling "F*CK YOU" to my burrito for dripping on my pants, if you were wondering who`s raising the next generation.
Of course I’ll buy a polished rock made into a necklace. I’m on vacation, aren’t I?
This complimentary lemonade at the doctor`s office tastes funny.
Before I got married I didn`t even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn`t that what M.O.M stands for?"
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Summer: Hair gets lighter. Skin gets darker. Water gets warmer. Drinks get colder. Music gets louder. Nights get longer. Life gets better.
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
Sorry I said "at least it`s healthy" when you asked me how cute your baby was.
I`m in my 30`s, but I still feel like I`m in my 20`s until I hang out with people in their 20`s and I`m like, "nope, I`m in my 30`s"
Hey guy in the car behind me... Honking your horn isn`t going to help me type any faster.
Being fat = Lowers your chance of getting kidnapped.
My favorite exercise is a combination of a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.