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If your ever wondering who your real friends are all you have to do is delete your facebook account for about week without saying anything and see who calls
What if every time a song pops into your head, it’s really just your brain intercepting one of the bajillion radio signals bouncing around you?
"Kids are great when you need help around the house." - People who don`t have kids
Dog Found: Now we are bros, so he`s staying. Don`t call, don`t make it weird.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that sh!t.
If you can say "I made six figures last year," you either have a well paying job or you`re the worst employee at a toy factory
I remember when going viral meant having to tell several people they better get tested.
Having a mohawk used to mean you were tough. Now it means you’re a 3 year-old with annoying parents.
If cats could talk, they`d probably always be correcting your grammar.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness".
Spontaneity is great ... as long as I have a plan.
My 17yo pretends he doesn`t understand how the washer works when I ask him to do the laundry Congrats, you`re finally a man
I never use the phrase, "Your guess is as good as mine" because, well... it`s not.
I don`t think we appreciate this era enough. For instance, none of us will see old photos of our moms whoring it up on Instagram.
I just made my first snow angel!! ... Ok fine.. I got bored, got drunk and then passed out in the snow, whatever!