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I need me a pretty girl with an ugly girl personality
20 years from now, one of the hardest things our kids will be faced with is finding a screen name which is not already taken!
Weird when someone vanishes from your Facebook feed for 3 years then suddenly reemerges with the results of a "Which Muppet Are You?" quiz.
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who`s sick of her bullsh!t.
I use profanity, the way Picasso used a paint brush
Someday you may lose your hair, you may lose your teeth, your money and even lose your mind. But one thing you will never lose – your good looks, coz you can never lose what you don’t have!
When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.
When I asked if you had protection, pepper spray isn’t what I meant.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
I`ve been baptized five times this week in five different churches. I wish the landlord would hurry up and fix my shower.
Someone tore off my warning label when I was born.
Health care in this country is a disgrace. My doctor said run 3 miles a day for a month. I`m now completely lost & 90 miles away from home.
Everyone please stop doing crimes because sirens are too noisy.
MARRIAGE TIP: Don`t get fat.