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When I hear a person say "My Mom didn`t raise no dummy", I feel like saying "She lied to you"
It`s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ????? (69 Reviews) Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfriend.
Some of the best decisions I`ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send
There just isn`t enough make-up in this world to cover up crazy.
Men think they have it bad, but they`re not the ones having to hold their boobs when they run.
If practice makes perfect, one day I will make the perfect mistake.
Today, I did it hard, I did it loud, it was wet, and I did it four times in a row. I wish I wasn’t talking about sneezing.
It`s like the people in this restroom don`t even want my help unbuttoning their pants. STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
I slept and woke up. (ok, lately this has become a major accomplishment in my life)
Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there`s an idiot pulling a door that says "PUSH"..
You say you want to bring me back to reality. You’re assuming I’ve been there before.
Fun Game: Walk down a hallway with both arms outstretched to the walls while shouting, "Hug me or turn around!!!"
Hi you`ve reached my voicemail,,, Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn`t be done over text
I dream about naps.