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My goal today is to lose this hangover and earn another
When my boss says, "women of a certain age" then looks at me, it`s ok to stab her with a letter opener, right?
I used to wonder what it was like to read people’s minds. Then I got a Facebook account and I got over it.
Next time you are in a restaurant, give this a thought. The fork you are using has been in the mouth of hundreds of people. Now look at the people eating right by you. Scary, right?
I was told today to look at my life from a different perspective. I`m lying on the floor now and the shit still looks f*cked up.
No one in my family has ever actually used the Olive Garden gift card. We just keep passing it down from generation to generation.
Don´t wait for the perfect moment. Take the moment and make it perfect.
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting that you do.
We get it people on Facebook. You`re married, you have kids, you`re happy. Calm down.
The New iPhone 7 is coming out in August. If you want a sneak peek of the new iPhone. Take a look at your current iPhone and pretend it cost 200 dollars more.
IMPORTANT REMINDER: Sunday is Mother`s Day, which means Facebook is gonna be annoying as crap...
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Everytime I see a person jogging I already know they have facebook, everyone on facebook works out.
In alcohol`s defence, I`ve done some pretty dumb sh*t while completely sober too.