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My entire life is a “you had to be there” moment.
I`m an outdoorsy kind of guy, I like to drink beer outdoors
I just took a 5 hour energy and a sleeping pill...LET THE BATTLE BEGIN.
I made a p@nis out of Legos. A literal c*ck block.
It`s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out...you have issues bro
*breaking news music plays* Last thought of the night: Why is now everyone talkin` bout "twerkin`"? Man, that shyt been `round since the days of Hammer pants and spandex shorts!!!!
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen - sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
1st thing I do after great sex! Turn the alarm clock off.........
I once had the desire to do something worthwhile with my life. Then I discovered naps.
The phrase "Don`t take this the wrong way." has a zero percent success rate.
I don`t know why I even bother chewing corn.
Wouldn`t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 mins and come out wrinkle free and 2 sizes smaller...
I just saw a disclaimer that said "don`t try this at home", so I tried it at my neighbors house.
Don`t tell me to make myself at home if you don`t want me to drop my pants and download porn on your computer.