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If you tell someone your Birthday and they automatically know your astrological sign, run as fast as you can away from them.
Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don`t make a right. Tomorrow I`m going to try three.
If the Terminator was female the line would have been, “I might be back, I haven’t decided yet.”
The sperm bank is overpriced to store my stuff so if you come over, don`t use the cloudy ice cubes from the tray labelled "Future Champions"
can be sympathetic, empathetic, compassionate, welcoming, loyal, trust-worthy, forgiving, understanding, and giving. But not to today!
I hate when I`m on Facebook and I`m rudly interrupted by a jogger bouncing off my windshield
I spend the first half of work fantasizing about all the different places I could go for lunch.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
My mission is to be the first person on Facbook to have one million people on their block list. . .
When in doubt, procrastinate.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
keep scrolling I`ve got nothing....
Indecisiveness is just mental constipation.
There damn well better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober!
True love is when you burn your tongue when you take a bite from a pizza and you still keep eating it.