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How easily you’re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
I wish my kids came with a handbook.... Hardcover, preferably. So I have something to hit them with.
honestly I`ve never seen a tombstone that read "died from not forwarding a text to 10 people"
I am dealing with it like an adult! Tonight I`m getting drunk!!!
Be friend with stupid people.., feel like genius all the time
My fortune cookie read "End of roll. Replace"
I go to a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Summer: Hair gets lighter. Skin gets darker. Water gets warmer. Drinks get colder. Music gets louder. Nights get longer. Life gets better.
It´s not that I hate you, it´s just.. well I´ll put it this way.. if you were on fire & I had water, I´d drink it.
I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don`t be a smart-a$$".
My package finally came today. this is awesome....it means I have bubble wrap to play with
According to my roommate`s diary, I have boundary issues.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use "sliced bread" as our basis for great inventions.
I`m returning these Gushers. They taste like sh!t. "Sir. Those are paintballs." Oh. I`m returning these paintballs. Someone ate a few.
A homeless man just asked me if I was having a bad hair day, so I took my dollar back.