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Whoever lost a bundle of $20 bills tied up in a rubber band..I found the rubber band..
I saved someone`s life today. Well, I resisted the urge to strangle the life out of some idiot. That`s the same thing, right?
The best moments in life are simple… you know like when you sit down and get comfy and the remote is magically next to you.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Why is it that the instant I buy new chap stick, the old one magically reappears?
If I was a waiter.. I would plant fake engagement rings in every girl`s champagne glass, just to see their boyfriends panic.
I honestly have a fear that one day I`ll leave my house and not be wearing any pants!
Lesson Learned: I poured bleach on the asshole that cut me off at the self-checkout. According to the cop, I misunderstood asshole bleaching.
More celebrities should donate blood. I mean, imagine having the blood of Will Smith running through your veins.
I`m always amazed that when tragedy strikes how quickly people on Facebook become experts on the subject no matter what it is.
This guy told me that playing the voilin is the best way to calm you down. I bet he never tried smashing it over someone`s head.
I`ve robbed banks before...and they`re never getting their pens back.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a wife who knows it all?
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
I rather read the software license agreement for my computer than some peoples Facebook status drama on my newfeeds