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If my statuses had a smell.. they would smell funny
You`re uglier than..... well, you`re the example.
" I don`t watch much tv" proudly says a person who spend 8 hours a day on the internet.
Feeling so good today ... High-five the person next to you and tell them it`s from me.
Was going to watch the presidential inauguration today, but found something more interesting on a different channel. Watched "How cow farts affect the ozone layer" on The Science channel.
I’m sad when my food is over.
Shall I compare thee to a Summer`s Eve? For thou art a douche.
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, cake... You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad."
To be honest, I´m just fishing for compliments tonight.
I got so drunk last night I tried picking up every woman in the bar and now my back is killing me!
I thought my life would include more impromptu sing-alongs.
Whenever I drive past the psychic’s empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you`re basically saying, "Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please."
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they`ll dig the wrong way. It`s called thinking ahead guys.
Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can`t leave messages now. That`s the kind of genius I am.