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Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
Why does the need to pee intensify by million when you are trying to unlock the door to your house.
“Was that lightning?” “No no…. they’re taking pictures for Google Earth..”
Hardest thing in life: Trying to look happy when no money falls out of your birthday card.
When a woman says, "I`m NOT crazy" *clapping her palms together per syllable* That`s universal for, "You`re going to die."
Miley Cyrus and Justin Beiber were both answers on Jeopardy tonight. The end is near........
Most kids today wont understand the joy of playing with the telephone cord.
Broke up with my girlfriend. She was into the horoscope stuff and we weren`t compatible. I`m a libra and shes a...b!tch
If you need time alone, announce that it`s time to clean the house.
Coffee eyedrops! Another million dollar idea.
I don`t know what I`d do without coffee...Probably twenty five to life in the state penitentiary.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Love is like a Hot Pocket: If you rush into it, you`re bound to get burned
Whoever named anteaters, solid effort right there.
Filling out a job application. Under "Military Experience" I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.