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There are no winners the day following a green beer, corned beef, and cabbage binge.
I like to sit outside on campus at night in my 1940s clothes and when people say things to me, I say "You can see me?"
I try to avoid nice people, so they can stay that way.
Sometimes getting unfriended on Facebook is magical....really....it`s like the trash took itself out.
I`ve been knocking for ten minutes. Don`t people answer their bathroom windows anymore?
My husband told me that he would leave me if I didn`t give up all my bad habbits.....I nearly choked on my toe nail!
I think most of my friends hang out with me to see what I’ll say next.
We can only blame ourselves for all the crime and violence today, we removed all the phone booths and now Superman has nowhere to change...
None of the animals I designed and invented are at the zoo. Do they even check the suggestion box?
On average I spend $75 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
"Dora" only rhymes with "Explorer" if you`re from Long Island, New York
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
I miss being in a relationship. Could 1 of you girls come over here and yell at me, treat me like shi t and not sleep with me? It might help.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to.
STD`s aren`t like pokémon, your not suppose to catch`em all!