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In my most recent survey,,, four out of five women talked crap about the fifth one whenever she was out of earshot.
My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure.
I had four E`s and LSD last night. Such an awful start to a game of scrabble!!
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Half the lies they tell about me aren`t true
I`ve started to make a fresh start in 2015, so if I owe you money, too bad.
In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead!
While wearing a bikini you show 90% of your body -But men are so polite, that they stare only at the covered places.
Part of being sane is being a little bit crazy.
Don`t forget to get your hurricane glasses before looking at it.
I only get religious when scratching off lottery tickets.
Wow....turns out I`m NOT a Ninja. That really hurt.
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head.
I have found my sleep number and it is eleven, eleven beers.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.