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It`s real cute how pedestrians confuse "right of way" with immortality.
Sometimes I speak in a different font but no one ever notices.
Some people are more confused then a chameleon in a packet of Skittles.
the kids next door challenged me to a water fight. I`m just updating my status while the kettle boils
This rough sex would have been a lot better if I wasn`t alone.
Does the sleeve tat go with my male pattern baldness and pot belly? Asking for a friend.
I have cat-like reflexes. If I hear a loud noise, I keep napping.
All I ask is that if we arm the teachers, that the librarians get silencers.
My co workers put cookies on my desk, like they`re leaving a sacrifice for an angry god.
I`m awkward when people compliment me. "Nice hair" "Thanks, I grew it myself"
I can update Facebook from anywhere. Even when crossing the stre
My wife told me I suffer from a lack of imagination. I said, "Yeah? Well you suffer from a lack of imagination." That showed her.
Porn & love songs. Destroying reality forever.
I have a "honk if you think I`m sexy" bumper sticker on my truck so that way on the way to work, if I`m not feeling to excited to be there, I sit at a green light until I feel better.
Whoever said "Just showing up is half the battle" (a) didn`t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.