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I`m old enough to remember when cell phones actually got smaller every year.
Remember the days when water was free and you had to pay for porn?
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick…My girlfriend.
My wife just said that I was the worst behaved out of all her children.
Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest I’ll ever get to being a magician.
You actually have friends? Yeah bro, all 10 seasons on DVD.
I am at my most hostage negotiator when I see my 3 year old with a permanent marker without a lid.
A fun thing to do is take a group picture at a party. Then leave & print it at Walgreens. Buy a frame, go back to party, & place it on the mantel at the party.
Relationship status: Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Im having a problem in Call Of Duty, I go to the menu and... alright by now the girls have stopped reading this, anyone know any good porn sites?
If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, does it really have calories?
Karma may "work" but I think that bitch takes a lot of days off
Safety Tip: lock your doors and windows before bed. Btw, I love what you`ve done with the place.
You can tell a lot about a woman by how she slices brownies. For example: if she throws the knife at you, you should pick up some Midol.
Every wanna answer every question with a middle finger? That`s kinda where I am today.