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Put that down you fat piece of sh!t` - the title of the dieting book I`m writing.
Okay, let’s get this straight. There’s no way everone here has the best boyfriend in the world.
How to know you have a sunburn: Smack the spot. If you scream in pain, its a sunburn
Just changed my dating profile headline to: “Seeking rich old men with bad hearts and no relatives” …crossing my fingers.
I wish some people`s cardio exercise consisted of running into traffic.
I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th, because I know how to reduce fractions unlik the rest of you morons.
Your personality needs alcohol.
Father: Earlier you used to call me papa but now dad, why? Daughter: Come on dad, calling you PAPA spoiles my lipstick.
Think big, Think smart, Think positive, Think beautiful, Think great,I know this is too much for u,so here is a shortcut-Just think about me
This cashier looked at my 12 bottles of weed spray so weirdly, I suspect she`s never broken a lawnmower before.
Even if women came with an instructions manual men still wouldn`t read it.
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and thats were I sleep...
I don`t know why it`s necessary to get a glass dirty, when wine tastes perfectly fine straight out of the bottle.
There is nothing worse then trying to watch porn with a slow internet connection.
I wish I had Dora`s mom and dad, they let that girl go everywhere.