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It`s Thanksgiving. Don`t forget to set your scale back 25 lbs
Easy baked macaroni and cheese recipe: Boil macaroni in water.... follow the rest of the instructions on box. TADA!
Thanks to this huge spider web I just walked into, we can now add the neighbors to the list of people that have seen me naked.
Definition: Brain - Your body`s hardest working organ. It works 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, from birth until you...fall in love.
3 horrible facts: 1. Today is not Friday... 2. Tomorrow is not Friday... 3. The day after tomorrow is not Friday...
Yes, I know why you pulled me over. I didn`t see you in your little hiding spot over there, so I couldn`t slow down in time.
Automatic doors make me feel like a Jedi
Found out today you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at the waffle house... just trying to help.
Me? Stalk? No, I just observe... behind a tree... at night…in the rain.
Have you ever noticed how people who play candy crush are always saying they need a life?
Boy: "Life`s a bitch, so is my Girlfriend." Girlfriend: "Life`s short, so is his d!ck.
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn`t make the cut.
Why can`t life be as easy as I am?
"Are you even listening to me?" is a weird way for my girlfriend to start a conversation.
It seems racist that they call it Black Friday just because a bunch of people are trying to get into stores in the middle of the night.