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My New Year`s resolution is to spend more time wishing my enemies were dead.
The best neighbors are the ones you never see.
Some of you are so dumb, I don`t even know how you found the internet.
My neck, my back, my Netflix and my snacks.
Just once I’d like to see someone dropkick the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.
I’m that kind of person who between two choices always pick the wrong one.
When you were little, “I’m going to tell your mom” was the scariest sentence ever.
*puts selfie on top of christmas tree because I am the star*
I think my new Stress Management plan is going to be alcoholism.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station`s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don’t make the rules.
Has anyone else ever noticed that the word therapist spells, "the rapist," when split into 2 words?
Trouble is just fun you got caught having.
Our kids biggest challenge will be to find a username that`s not already taken.
I feel like we really lowered our expectations of what constitutes magic when we began using it to describe markers