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I don’t want to sound racist, but all stormtroopers look the same to me.
3 shots of vodka can erase 8 hours of rage in 15 minutes. That’s all the math you really need to know.
I don’t understand the point of lap-dancing clubs. If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I’d stay at home with the wife.
the difference between people and celebreties ...... celebreties don`t have a routine
I`m really good at making poor decisions. You`re my favorite so far.
I hate Cheetos stains on my peignoir.........
"A vodka, please" "Sir, this is McDonald`s" "OK, a McVodka, please and super size it."
Whats the best part about dating a homeless chick, ..... You can drop her off anywhere
Helpful Tip : Never ask the cop to hold your beer while you dig out your drivers license.
My GPS says "time of arrival" ... I see "time to beat."
I don’t care how loud I’m laughing, I’m having fun and you’re not.
Fun Fact about me: The drunker I get, the more karate I know.
I broke a mirror now I`m looking at 7 years bad luck... but my lawyer thinks he can get me off with 3
While it was raining today, I thought for fun I would run out there and scream "I`m melting I`m melting!"
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.