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Those of you who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” don’t really get how the whole “dead” thing works, do you?
I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become..
That moment when you realize your children have your twisted sense of humor...And you don`t know whether to be proud or scared.
I am currently watching the Holy Grail of horror movies. There are 10 minutes left and the black guy is still alive.
Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don`t want to touch it any more than you do.
I`m pretty sure some of you just drag your face across the keyboard and hit send.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What`s your point?
I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone`s ok with that.
If adult diapers are called Depends, then baby diapers should be called Definitely!!
Do you think the inventor of the USB will be buried twice? The 2nd time because they put him in the wrong way?
It’s amazing how everyone cries for free speech until someone says something that they don’t like.
is clapping his hands and stomping his feet because he is happy and he knows it.
Millions of innocent coconuts are murdered each year so you can drink their nutritious blood you insensitive health freak
"I`ve had so much coffee, I got halfway to work and realized I forgot my car."
When my dog sniffs another dog’s poop I can only assume that it’s their equivalent to checking a friend’s facebook page.