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Idk what was worse, the fact that my girlfriend text me saying “sorry breaking up with you” or that a minute later she text me back “sorry wrong number.”
Puttin the `eff it` in efficient today.
If I had a time machine I`d go back to 900 A.D. and just scare the sh!t out of people with an electric toothbrush.
I broke up with my cross-eyed girlfriend today.......i felt like that bitch was seeing someone else.
Iron man is a super hero, Iron woman is a command.
If you want your team to win a sporting event just tell me. I will root for the other team. That will guarantee a win for your team.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me OCD I`d have 27 dollars and 15 cents.
The TV is so loud! But not quite loud enough to make me get up and get the remote.
I don’t always have time to study, but when I do, I don’t.
Dear future boyfriend/girlfriend, where the hell are you?
At this stage of my life, "Good in Bed" means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Heck, I can tell which people are really judgmental just by looking at them.
I never used to mind my wife hitting me in the face as she climaxed until I found out she was faking it.
Because it`s the season to give thanks, I would just like to say....you`re welcome.
I hope my liquor store is having an after Christmas sale!!