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Don`t let the door hit you on the way out ... Hell, who am I kidding, I hope it hits you and knocks you down the f*cking stairs.
Why do they always have 5K runs for charity? Just once, couldn’t they have a sit for charity or nap for charity?
So she asked me "Do these pants make my butt look big?" And I said, "Not at all dear .. its the fat that does that." So now I´m single again.
When I got divorced, we split the house. I got the outside....
Comment if you think I`m normal... Like this if you think I`m crazy... Copy this if you know your crazy too! And if your me... OMG TURKEY SQUIRREL! :)
If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don’t look in a mirror, have a child draw you.
You pay more attention to the TV than you do me! - Ma`am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?
You only live once is the most reassuring thing I`ve ever heard.
I am now convinced that the homeless people have all of the shopping carts that do not have the wobbly wheels.
Some old people are driving vehicles right now and don’t even know it.
I`m no auto mechanic but I`m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
I am Looking for a Bank which can offer me these Two Services..... .Give me a Loan & then Leave me aLone. :)
It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them,The police call it indecent exposure but whatever...
I’m not single and I’m not committed… I’m simply on reserve for the one who deserves…
A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.