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I have to be careful what I say online because my kids might find out how cool I am and want to start hanging out with me.
Never judge a man ’till you’ve driven a mile with his wife.
The good thing about being tall is, you can`t get lost in a crowd. The bad thing is, you can`t get lost in a crowd.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I hate that I have to put on clothes to participate in society.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
We get it people on Facebook. You`re married, you have kids, you`re happy. Calm down.
It`s weird to think that these Forever Stamps will outlive me.
Objects in spandex are larger than they appear
Chinese scientists have discovered the rare rock n roll panda it will only eat A wop bop a loo lop a wop Bamboo
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor`s house is genius.
am a bomb technician...anytime you see me running. Try keep it up
My home security system is just 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses.
The reason I don`t play Scrabble online, is that I can`t throw the tiles at the person who beats me.
You bring a baby monitor to the bar one time and everyone freaks out.