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Happy people don`t take long showers.
Just got a message that said "Hey, I tried to call you"...that`s your problem right there....you should have never tried that.
Nothing is more dangerous than a woman “gathering her thoughts”.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Marriage. When dating goes too far.
I hate that I have to put on clothes to participate in society.
I like to think I`m special, because the thought of idiots like me existing in large numbers is f*cking terrifying.
Does Facebook have a “You’re not smart enough to be talking about politics” button?
Stand for what you believe in. Or sit on the couch and have a couple of donuts. It`s a free country really.
"Goodbye, everyone. I`ll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.
Had a super busy day today converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
Girlfriend: No, you hang up... Me: (click)
I need a six month vacation Twice a year.
mermaids swim by twerking do you ever just think about that
True love is when you burn your tongue when you take a bite from a pizza and you still keep eating it.