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I`m at the "what can I make with green beans and cake mix" stage of needing groceries
Sometimes you can tell it’s going to be a bad day when someone you don’t like is smiling.
Just once I`d like someone to call me "sir" without having to add "you need to calm down or we`re going to have to ask you to leave"
Politicians and diapers should be changed regularly and for the same reason...
When does hibernation start? Because I am 100% participating in that.
Dear person reading this, I could be naked right now and you would never know.
My inflatable girlfriend always looks surprised when I walk into the room.
Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags in their house, or is it just me?
Dear middle finger, Thank you for sticking up for me.
Too bad the little guy "Tattoo" from Fantasy Island isn`t around anymore. They could ask HIM where the plane is!
I didn’t scream out someone else’s name during sex. I was thinking of baby names in case you get pregnant…
I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.
I`m always amazed that when tragedy strikes how quickly people on Facebook become experts on the subject no matter what it is.
The difference between me & normal people is the normal
Abstinence makes the arm grow stronger ... at least one of them anyway.