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Million dollar idea: Duck Dynasty chia pets.
Somehow, we`ve got to find a way to STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under.
I don`t just sing in my shower, I perform.
I don’t understand the point of lap-dancing clubs. If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I’d stay at home with the wife.
I’m better at remembering people who have bad breath than important historical facts.
Sometimes I mop the carpet just so my wife doesn`t ask me to help with stuff.
Women say they love nerds until you whip out your Pokemon cards.
Alcohol is like laxatives for constipated thoughts. The more you drink, the more sh!t that comes out your mouth.
I don`t get why people find drunk text annoying
Talk to me long enough and you`ll realize why I`m single.
The best thing about living in the southern U.S. is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense.
The next person that tells me I have no shame…probably knows me pretty darn well.
Clearly skinny jeans are easier to obtain than skinny genes
If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave.
I don’t care if it’s 1 A.M. I don’t consider it “tomorrow” until I wake up.