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The naughty me makes the nice me giggle.
Something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow.
This dishwasher sucks. It`s already ruined three of my paper plates.
I`m curious: Do girls shake the gasoline nozzle when they`re taking it out of their cars too?
I`m glad I know sign language. It`s pretty handy.
Don`t sugar-coat it, I`ll just lick that off....
why were you in my dreams again? i`m starting to think you`re stalking me.
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
For the record "Wanna do it?" is not foreplay....
Car commercials make driving around in empty parking structures look fun and normal and not suspicious or kidnappy.
It usually only takes about five minutes into any conversation Iām having before people start shaking their head and quoting the bible.
On demand sucks. Hoarders made me fill up the dumpster and clean the house. Now I want to collect coupons and go to the pawn shop....
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce? Well, I`m guessing it`s because the other fifty percent can`t afford lawyers.
If you had to choose between your significant other and a million dollars, what`s the first thing you`d buy?
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.