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Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Sanity is so overrated. I mean, it`s a nice place to visit, but I wouldn`t want to live there....
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 7 am is sexy... Then yeah, I`m your guy.
In actuality, Batman is just a more violent and dark version of Inspector Gadget.
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where is my phone?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch, dumba$$."
I wonder how much a zebra would cost if you scan it…
If I`m guilty of anything, it`s loving too much. And several outstanding speeding tickets. But mostly loving too much.
You can either agree with me, or you can be wrong.
If the universe didn`t want me to eat four pop-tarts for breakfast I wouldn`t have four slots on my toaster...
The most frightening thing about nightmares is realizing that they were created by your mind.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect.
Irresponsible is when your neighbor doesn`t pay their wifi bill.
It takes so much self control for me not to write, "you sure about that?" under Facebook engagement announcements.
I’m so old, I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture of anything.