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Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus and a recovery room where they have clear print.
If you’re not fully satisfied with your life, do something about it. Or complain about it on the internet. Whatever you prefer.
“I’ll be speaking with my lawyer” is the adult version of saying “I`m telling mom”
Nobody’s phone is ever off. They’re lying.
There are two types of people in this world: people who pee in the shower and liars.
Scientists are adding an extra second to the year 2015. Yeah. Here`s the bad news. You just wasted it reading this post.
If your friends don`t make fun of you, they`re not really your friends.
I’m the king of balancing more trash on top of an already full trash can.
Y`all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
When a girl says "no," a guy hears it as "try again tomorrow."
Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they`d lock us up?
I checked my horoscope today and all I can say is ...WOW!! I`m a Taurus and I looked it up and sure enough,it says I was born between 4/21-5/21!! Well played horoscope, well played.
As a future ghost, I`m kinda bummed out about the dress code.
Roger that command center, we have arrived at our destination and will commence countdown..............Sir this is McDonalds how may I help you
The new iPhone will have a finger print scanner. Or, in other words, Apple is about to amass the largest database of biometric data in the world. I’m sure the people of NSA are dancing like little school girls right now.