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Multi-tasking: the art of screwing up everything all at once.
The only time I want to hear about your baby is when you tell me it ain`t mine.
"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon"
In post apocalyptic movies everyone wears leather ... but there are no cows.
What if pay-phones are disappearing so they can keep us in the matrix?
This salad is delicious, probably because it`s a donut.
If you`re a vegan an atheist and a liberal, how do you choose which way to annoy people at Thanksgiving first?
I think I will start calling my wife "My Customer" since she is always right...
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like “tiny doll feet scampering into the closet” because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that
The best way to change a woman`s mind is to agree with her.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a Pilot...but apparently I was too young.
Don`t have sex man, it leads to kissing and pretty soon you will have to start talking to her..
Ladies, I hate to break this to you, but curves and rolls are not the same thing.
I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don`t want people to recognize me when I`m pooping.
I wouldn`t do much for a Klondike Bar; I would however get naked for beer.