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It`s amazing how much people are willing to lower their eating standards when you insert the word "free" in front of the word "food".
That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow
Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send.
Meetings are 20% small talk, 5% what the meeting is about and 75% wasting everyone’s time.
There has to be an online course that I can take to get over my internet addiction.
Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?
I can read Spanish, Chinese, Russian and Italian. As long as it`s written in english.
I`d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
I tried kickboxing, but I couldn`t get the hang of walking with boxing gloves on my feet.
The problem with you is ... you exist.
You’d think my password was “yourmom” because my computer just told me it was too easy.
Pulling out a winter coat and going through the pockets to find out who I was 8 months ago.
Dieting Tip, 1. Make a list of people who have a problem with your weight, 2. Cut them out of your life. 3. Enjoy having lost Hundreds of pounds of Idiots.
Pizza: Round food, cut into triangles and put into a square box.
Ever notice how many friends you have when you pull out a pack of gum?