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Don`t talk to me about disappointment. I had lots of adults tell me they were gonna "fix my little red wagon" yet here it sits with a broken wheel still
You`ve reached the limitations of my medications.
There’s nothing wrong with enjoying free samples at the grocery store. Just make sure they’re samples. And free. And it’s a grocery store.
Hate is too powerful an emotion to waste on somebody you don`t even like.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What`s on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...
is trying to decide ... laundry today or naked tomorrow
Who`s further now, the Energizer Bunny or Voyager 1?
The hardest part about being humble is not telling people how much better I am than they are.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
That awkward moment when you`re telling the truth, but start laughing like crazy and everyone thinks you`re lying.
Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they`re dead
I dont need to control my anger everyone around me needs to control their habit of pissing me off!
Telling me to calm down is the easiest way to get me to tell you to go f*ck yourself.
If you cut your child`s sandwich into squares instead of triangles, you suck at parenting...
My 5 year plan is to watch Netflix. All of it.