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Feeling tired as you struggle to get through the day? There`s a nap for that.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn`t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
How much do those guys who yell in the back of rap songs make? I could totally do that.
I’m drinking like there’s snow tomorrow.
My personality is 30% the last movie I watched.
I`ve seen more pins in the last few days then stone cold steve austin on groundhog day..
His idea of cleanliness is sweeping the room with a glance.
To all the NSA agents reading this right now, I just want to say sorry that my life is so boring.
That moment when I try and be helpful to a blind man getting off the bus by saying, "watch your step"
I may or may not have just "Whipped my Hair Back and Forth".......
Seriously, You accidentally catch six kitchen towels on fire and all of a sudden you can`t go in the kitchen alone anymore.
Sometimes you have to flip out and go bat sh!t crazy to make a point.
Remember when waking up early on Saturday mornings involved cartoons and not untagging photos on Facebook?
How to find the perfect wife: Play monopoly with her. if she chooses the iron, she`s the one.
I don`t need drugs to have a good time, I need them to focus, avoid depression, endure winter, fall asleep, and controll my high blood pressure