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I don’t care how high you set the bar as long as I can reach my drink.
A hard thing about business is minding your own
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he`s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Remember kids- Respect your fathers! Besides, before you came out of your moms, you came out of your dad.
You know that you have eaten way too much junk food when you start actually craving something healthy.
Karma’s only a bitch if you are.
I was just thinking…Then I thought “why?”... So there will be no more thinking today.
Grown up pandas eat for 12 hours a day. In related news, it turns out I’m not fat. I’m a panda.
Real friends show me their boobs
I`m pretty sure even Santa wishes they would stop playing Christmas music on the radio this time of year.
There are plenty of fish in the sea, but I like women.
You know what`s wrong with winning a hundred thousand dollars? ... Not a damn thing!
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I was flattered.
If you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape.
If you’re telling me to relax, it’s probably your fault that I’m not.