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Welcome to Alzheimer`s Club. I see a lot of new faces today.
My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women. Comment "You 3 look incredible!!"
The girl in the car next to me is totally checking me out. I think she likes me. After I`m done picking my nose, I`m gonna smile and wave.
Commence six months of the clock in my car being wrong.
People who wait 4 hours to reply to my text with "lol" should be shot.
I was late to work because I was having car trouble. And by car trouble I mean I was sleeping and not driving the car.
Two of the most honest people in the world; drunk people and little kids
Old video games couldn`t be won. They just got harder and harder until you died. Just like real life.
When people tell me that I’ve changed, I want to shake them and tell them: “And so should you!”
They say that money talks, but mine just waves goodbye.
Mirrors don`t lie. Lucky for you, they can`t laugh either.
I`m sorry if I come across as crude, outspoken, and opinionated. That`s only because I am crude, outspoken, and opinionated.
I stopped watching the History Channel because it`s so outdated.
If you had to choose between your significant other and a million dollars, what`s the first thing you`d buy?