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I`ll never have a kid as cool as the one my parents did…
It`s amazing what you`ll wear in public when you`re not trying to have sex with anyone.
If I could just make one thing very clear at this point ... I would.
I hate it when I write a sarcastic Facebook status and someone who doesn’t speak sarcasm has to comment and ruin it.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Nothing like a brisk morning jog to start the day! Just kidding! I don`t do that.
You say I’m dirty minded, but how did you understand what I meant?
I dreamt that was dreaming, and then someone woke me up and told me I was dreaming but it turned out I had only dreamed that so I went back to sleep in my dream, all upset that my dream that I was dreaming was interrupted by another dream....hahahahaha.....whoa, need to lay off the Red Bull.
I`m about 0 for 300 in looking for safes behind wall paintings
If you get angry, just relax, take a deep breath and count to ten, unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
Being able to read minds would be incredible...but constantly hearing about how sexy and great I am would probably get old.
If he only wants you for your breasts, legs, and thighs; Send him to KFC by SIMO
There’s a guy whose whole job is to find new places to hide the “close this ad” button.
I always scratch off the "Plus One" option on wedding invitations are replace it with "Drinking for two"
Sometimes, when dealing with people, you can`t help but stop and think, "Yup, I`m about to get my first assault charge."