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You say `pervert with a telescope` ... I say `biological astronomer`.
When your mother asks you if you`re sexually active, the correct response is: "No, I just lie there."
I haven`t slept for three days, because that would be too long
I have many talents, but giving an f*ck isn’t one of them
Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.
My favorite flavor of ice cream is yes.
I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone`s ok with that.
My day at work wasn`t easy, I just made it look that way!
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an I-pad
People are obsessed with the front seat of the car but when you get in a bus, you go straight to the back
When people tell me that I’ve changed, I want to shake them and tell them: “And so should you!”
On the bright side, it’s Friday Eve Eve Eve.
I like confusing kids by telling them I`m older than the internet
I made this margarita with my kids` slushie machine ... Don`t judge
Anyone else pretend to work all day while thinking about big boobs instead?