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I`m a spontaneous procrastinator
Just because it`s a bad idea, doesn`t mean it`s not going to be a good time.
How come "you`re a peach" is a complement but "you`re bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?
It`s weird how we are all here because of boners
I always honk when I drive by homeless guys sleeping, just in case they overslept for a meeting
All women are crazy. But, if you pretend to listen to them when they talk, they will let you live.
What happened to all the Sour Patch parents?
Touch my food and suffer the consequences.
ALERT: Missing Unicorn...if you find it, you`re probably high
I’ve got about as much self control as two rabbits on a first date!
Johnny : Pull my finger Tommy : No Johnny: "Come Bro Do IT!!" Tommy : fine ... Johnny : *SNEEZE IN THE FACE*
Every time I`m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Back before Walmart, you used to have to buy a ticket to see a bearded woman.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
roses are red.... my name is dave...this poem makes no sense.... microwave...