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Sorry that most of my hilarious jokes are borderline inappropriate. And by sorry, I mean you`re welcome.
Million Dollar Idea: Hire a bunch of people with OCD and start a cleaning company.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like "Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot."
Party like you will never be invited to another!
Ladies, if he calls you crazy, don`t get upset. Crazy girls are better in bed so take it as a compliment. But stab him, just in case...
I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks ... to the alligators.
You say you don`t need to drink to have fun. All I`m hearing is designated driver.
A colon is used to indicate a list of elements to the sentence preceding it. A semicolon is for making winky faces.
Let`s be honest, Dos Equis. After a bunch of ANY beer, what guy DOESN`T think he`s the most interesting man in the world?
She deleted and blocked me so I guess you can say we`re taking it slow now.
I wish hangovers and orgasms could swap durations.
I have hit the age where sex and choosing the exact right size Tupperware for leftovers are equally satisfying...
Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn`t it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?
There`s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed...
The closest I ever got to murdering is when I held a Oreo cookie in milk until the bubbles stop.